tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35612074203900698982024-03-21T07:01:45.770-07:00In This SeasonOk - it's not a season - it's just life. ROTFL. I love my life :) I wouldn't change a thing. [I find myself in a season of change. Divorce is no longer a specter - it's a ridiculous hoax.] I am still discovering things about my values, God, marriage, society and my friends. Some of my friends have expressed appreciation for my willingness to think deeply about these subjects so with their encouragement - I am sharing my thoughts and observations with others.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-9821662906577640432017-05-15T14:47:00.001-07:002017-05-15T14:47:17.877-07:00Seasons End<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I started this blog in August 2006. My marriage had imploded – I was blindsided
by infidelity and extreme financial irresponsibility. My focus at the time was how to make sure the
situation did not break or damage me. In
fact, I knew without a doubt that my faith in God and HIS unfailing love
guaranteed that I would weather this storm and arrive on the other side of it
stronger, wiser and more at peace in a world that doesn’t always share or
support my values.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The divorce took 10 years and $$$ thousands of unnecessary
dollars. Marriage requires maturity –
successful divorce requires even greater maturity. I should have known that a cheater and a
coward are the same. Still in the end I
have no regrets about refusing to be bullied by my ex. I stood my ground (my Daddy told me to – from
his death bed). Divorce is transactional
if your emotions are in check – mine were, my former husband’s emotions were
not and at every step he was looking to be controlling, punishing or
slick. `I am sure even now he thinks he
got over on me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Fortunately, it was not 10 years of constant fight and
struggle – life was intervening in between…I needed to be the granddaughter,
daughter, niece, cousin, friend to the people in my life who mattered beyond
the divorce. I needed to focus on my
work and making a living. So, there were
long stretches of inactivity when I simply decided that expending energy to
drag a man through a divorce he said he wanted was emotionally exhausting,
financially draining and unproductive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My first attorney, while a nice person – was ineffective. He knew the law, but was animated black
person and conflict aversive. He did not
deal well with Steven’s recalcitrance and hostility or with my
frustration. He was more a less a waste
of time and money for me. Then I
represented myself for a while to save money since Steven was not yet serious
about finishing our divorce – damn! I should have gone to law school. With some coaching, I won a few motions to
advance our case. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Then in 2015, Steven hired a real family law attorney. I knew I needed a real attorney – Thank you
Jesus!!! I found my own personal super
hero – Errol J. Gordon. He joked that
had he been my first attorney my divorce would have been finished years
ago. He was right. He handled it and me so professionally. A straightforward transaction, no fuss, no
muss. I still think watching him work
was way better than any episode of LA Law.
Smooth and no drama. He knew the
law and how to handle my former husband – who he correctly assessed as a
‘scoundrel’. That thought still makes me
laugh so hard I might pee my pants j/k.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">With the assistance of Mr. Gordon, the divorce was finished
in 2015. My key take aways from this 10
year experience: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">God ALWAYS has a plan.
Trust HIM. My husband and friend’s
betrayal could have changed how I valued myself. Their choices and behavior were NOT
about me. This experience was an
opportunity for me to grow;<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A good attorney is
essential – be quick to fire the incompetent or non-committed. Mediation works – if both parties are
capable<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Take care of yourself –
one of my first moves was to seek counselling. This kind of trauma does not need to be
permanent. Take care of yourself<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am so glad I stood up
for myself. While the financial
recovery may be daunting, knowing that I refused to be bullied – priceless
and forever empowering<o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am in a good place and the life that I built for my self
suits me. Thank for listening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-65835273647591386402016-01-14T17:56:00.000-08:002016-01-14T17:56:06.068-08:00The Powerful Attribute of Patience<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">And I'll praise You in this storm</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
And I will lift my hands</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
For You are who You are</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
No matter where I am</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
And every tear I've cried</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
You hold in Your hand</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
You never left my side</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
And though my heart is torn</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
I will praise You in this storm </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
- Casting Crowns - Praise You In This Storm Lyrics</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<br />
This is an incredible sermon from Dr. Charles Stanley <br />
<a href="https://www.intouch.org/broadcast/today-on-radio/content/topic/the_powerful_attribute_of_patience_radio?utm_source=Social&utm_medium=FB&utm_campaign=radio#.T2tZ2Rtqu7Q.blogger">The Powerful Attribute of Patience</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-39195079154822082942016-01-14T17:55:00.002-08:002017-05-15T14:53:47.024-07:00Isn't it Romantic? (Scandal)<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I had said I would not watch Scandal. Then I checked it out on Netflix and found it a fairly entertaining show. Last night's episode has that song "Isn't It Romantic" stuck in my head. The episode recapped the affair Olivia Pope was having with Hugh (the candidate, president-elect, president). The story told in flashbacks was steamy, hot, torrid - two deeply in love people constrained by his circumstances (his marriage). The problem is HE WAS NEVER AVAILABLE. You knew from the start this was never going to end well. The sad part is professionally Olivia is BRILLIANT, but thanks to tv writing she still a little girl longing to be loved by the powerful convincing (lying, dishonest, selfish) Fitz. She regularly tells people to get out of her way and let her do her job - she is a force to be reckoned with...... Still she finds herself (despite her moral struggle) weakly available to this man. He tells her he loves her - truth - that was incredibly selfish. Now she knows a man who can offer her nothing but secret stolen moments and sex. He said he'd give it all up for her. She should have called his bluff- and said call me when you have given it all up. Then at least she would know if he was really sincere (or letting his penis blow smoke up her ass). He knew that the attraction between the was dangerous and inappropriate from jump which was why he told Cy not to hire her.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Then there was the moment Melli found out about the affair. There is always the moment when the wife or someone will find out. Olivia's weakness and desperation was exposed. Then there was the closet scene - hopefully she saw all that could never be hers and realized she was voluntarily cheating herself. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The good news is this is just tv and the brilliant Shonda Rimes will continue to keep the storyline intriguing. The good news is this is not the real life of the actors. The bad news is there are too many women who see only the romance of adulterous affair and not the very real consequences. In real life the woman in an adulterous affair is the biggest loser - forfeiting her integrity, self-respect, time and opportunity for real and respectful love. </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-15717967694909879742013-01-06T19:33:00.000-08:002013-01-06T19:33:00.413-08:00Step in, Step up<div>
I am sitting here reflecting for a minute while I wait for the library to open. You give my mind a little free space and I get to pondering. I was at a conference recently and as a result have been confronted with an OPPORTUNITY to 'step up' to a new level of success. And it is on me to 'step up' I need to do some things to make sure this opportunity bears the expected fruit. That means I need to be disciplined and conscientious - prepare, follow through, no dawdling, procrastinating or half-doing things. I am ready and excited. I am determined that self-sabotage (fear) will be locked in a closet and silenced.<br />
God provides such amazing opportunities. <br />
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-69926432755366476402012-12-07T20:54:00.001-08:002013-01-06T19:45:56.238-08:00Divorce - An Act of Violence<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Last Sunday, as part of
his sermon, my Pastor referred to divorce as an act of violence. And it can be – emotionally violent. The level of hostility coming from my STBX
has diminished over the years only due to reduced contact between us. If marriage requires maturity and
forgiveness, divorce requires a double portion of both maturity and
forgiveness. Too often divorce is a way to win a fight, rather than to peaceably part ways. The sad truth is there is no fight to win.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In a previous post, I
affirmed that despite my STBX’s belligerence and the divorce mongering of
certain people that there would be no divorce war here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have held my ground on that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have tried to stay focused on only the
transactional aspect of this proceeding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yet, he still wishes me dead, continues the name-calling and refuses to
comply with the court-defined process.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It seems he still thinks
that someone needs to be right and someone (me) needs to be WRONG.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After 6 years, my feeling is who cares – it changes
nothing and therefore does not matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The division on our assets and debts is a simple transactional matter.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I could CHOOSE to carry
feelings of resentment, betrayal and disappointment, but those are the creations
of my STBX’s baggage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I CHOOSE not to be
a porter for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I CHOOSE not to
contribute to the emotional violence that can be part of a divorce proceeding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I CHOOSE to be happy and at peace with life
as it unfolds.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It has been 6+ years and
things will FINALLY be resolved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
court dismissed my spouse’s petition because California has a law saying it
must be cancelled if it has not been resolved in 5 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I immediately went downstairs after the
hearing and refiled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a good
thing because the petitioner controls the process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Moreover, as a competent adult, I am certain
that this will be wrapped up in short order.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-60297375486567519362012-08-04T11:51:00.004-07:002012-08-04T11:51:54.848-07:00<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One of the most important lessons I have learned in this season is PATIENCE. I have learned to sit and wait for God's timing. The world will create false urgencies at it's whims. I could have found myself tossed about with priorities and causation changing weekly. Instead, I have developed a habit of waiting, taking the time to consider the consquences, consider the urgency to act and the cost/benfit of waiting. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My life has not been frantic or chaotic and for that I am grateful. I have not lived with angst and longing. I have, fortunately, lived with a curiosity and earnest interest in seeing how this story will unfold based on the choices of obedience and willful disregard. Good yields good, and the other always returns ashes.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">I can wait for the good outcome.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-21829845373543017032012-07-19T10:21:00.000-07:002012-07-19T10:21:35.018-07:00A Brand New Day<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This was one of those mornings where I realize why I really
love morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is because no matter
what happened yesterday, it is over and done. Today is a brand-new day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A brand new day full of opportunities to do
things new, better, right, whatever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What a great opportunity!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
been training myself to wake up with words of praise on my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have my alarms set to Alvin Slaughter,
Mandisa and Israel Houghton (yes I need 3 alarms or so to get myself fully
awake and ready for the day LOL!).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On this
glorious new morning I am sitting at my desk looking at sunshine, listening to
Charles Stanley’s daily radio message and feeling totally psyched as I prepare
my task list for the day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today --I believe I see the light at the end of the tunnel
and feel assured that it is not an oncoming train.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yesterday, I appeared in court in pro per for
the first time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was a little anxious
but continuing to pay for representation on a case that was not moving simply
not only made no sense it would have been outright foolish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I prepared myself and showed up to prevent
the injustice that a bifurcation would have rendered in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The motion was dismissed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank you Jesus!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps now we can move forward with real
resolution.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The level of animosity emanating from my long estranged
spouse has still not dissipated to something that allows successful resolution
of our divorce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have no answers as to
why, but I am at truly peace that it is not my concern.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last night I realized that the appearance had
left me emotionally exhausted and feeling ganged up on by my spouse, his
mistress (she was present in court) and his attorney.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For some
reason, the only solution they seem to be able to comprehend is one in which I
make all the sacrifices or sustain the majority of the economic loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that
somehow ‘beating me’= winning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
continue to say this is not a fight and there are no winners.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a business transaction about debts and
assets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing more - especially after 6 years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t fault attorneys - they seemed to be geared mostly to
‘fight’and 'win'.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I prefer mediation
which is more focused on problem-solving without leaving either party feeling beaten
or brutalized.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a much healthier
option.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am hopeful that after
yesterday we will be able to return to mediation and finally wrap this up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-30415080370507810662012-04-24T22:33:00.005-07:002017-01-01T20:50:28.601-08:00He's married, but........<title>He's Married, But.....</title>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #548dd4; font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">(Disclaimer – this is not
applicable to all circumstances – each case is individual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just sharing my thoughts and observations – I
am not the DEFINITIVE authority on this topic.)</span></span></i></b><br />
<div class="WordSection1">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">A friend and I were talking about
adultery and she mentioned that it seems that women seem <span class="GramE">more
angry</span> with the other woman than they are with the errant husband.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I agreed that it does appear unfair to blame
the other woman more than the man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
also agreed that it does seem women <span class="GramE">are blamed and judged
more harshly by the wife and other women for their involvement in adultery</span>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shortly after this conversation, I had an
experience that caused me to reflect on this difference in blame.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-tRFv7fV14srofnKMkbg2P2JxMsfNCvUTaoqShedQxDXhTqG4MffzCRNv13dc8G-nY-V2lj3Ztb5CCRo9lLE7UU6xByb6o15ysQKzCzEg3MwuQu446nPJClXxNxMh5PxjG5jBsorAyvQ/s1600/Hard+Stop2.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-tRFv7fV14srofnKMkbg2P2JxMsfNCvUTaoqShedQxDXhTqG4MffzCRNv13dc8G-nY-V2lj3Ztb5CCRo9lLE7UU6xByb6o15ysQKzCzEg3MwuQu446nPJClXxNxMh5PxjG5jBsorAyvQ/s200/Hard+Stop2.png" width="172" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I was having a conversation with
a handsome <span class="GramE">gentleman</span> who seemed interested in more than
a ‘hook up’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the course of the
conversation, he asked if I was single, being truthful I responded that I was
“married but that we have been separated for a number of years.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He vanished so fast I thought he had been a
hallucination.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Clearly, ‘married’ was
the stop sign no matter what the quality or state of the marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">T</span><span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">he man made no evaluation about the quality
or state of my marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were no
probing questions about when or if I was going to be single.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was no interpretation or analysis – it
was simple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Married = Stop<span class="GramE">. </span>End Approach<span class="GramE">. Period.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I thought about that and my observation was that men seem more
often to <span class="GramE">acknowledge</span> 'married' as a <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">HARD</b> <span style="color: red;">Stop </span>and
some women (usually the ones that end up involved with married men long term or
as a pattern) take it as a <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">SOFT</b> <span style="color: red;">Stop</span>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">As I
reflected on it I realized that you often <span class="GramE">hear</span> women
say “He was married, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>BUT</u></b>….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsOWw1EbxHVyHQo6oWJp3gR-WmYDRc3kqzRTid6LNmAWH_HxOoSAJs7OiDPD6ahKgy6lHDye69C21DAvkK9BakjQ8M3ahiaQWOhNA8whnWYk5KPpWn_6smU2oq0Qz7H-fFyOV6dVmg8YA/s1600/soft+stop.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsOWw1EbxHVyHQo6oWJp3gR-WmYDRc3kqzRTid6LNmAWH_HxOoSAJs7OiDPD6ahKgy6lHDye69C21DAvkK9BakjQ8M3ahiaQWOhNA8whnWYk5KPpWn_6smU2oq0Qz7H-fFyOV6dVmg8YA/s200/soft+stop.gif" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">he was unhappy with her, I
make him happy<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">he was planning to divorce
her anyway<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">he wasn’t in love with her<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">he said his wife didn't do
this<span class="GramE">, </span>that or the other<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">he’s my <span class="SpellE">soulmate</span>, she made him marry her</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span class="GramE"><span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">And</span></span><span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"> any
number of other meaningless justifications for their own lack of self-respect
and integrity in order to give themselves license to run the STOP SIGN that
marriage is supposed to represent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Women justify and excuse their
selfish and <span class="SpellE">wreckless</span> behavior, citing that the
married man is guilty too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
frequently cite “well he’s the one who made the commitment” and so he is, but
what does that have to do with her willingness <span class="GramE">to actively
participate</span> in adultery?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would
she smoke crack just because he did or he asked her to?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘No Thank You’ is an acceptable response to
any invitation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Perhaps they are judged
harshly for their disregard of their own integrity, for their own failure to recognize
that he has no more regard for her than he does for anyone else, in fact less
regard since he has invited her to a wholly inappropriate relationship<span class="GramE">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span>Even worse is
when she is the one initiating, pursuing and facilitating the
relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="GramE">And</span>
I am learning this happens A LOT.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">It is an individual choice to
engage in behavior that is destructive in another woman's life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think blame for women who willingly and
knowingly engage with married men is the acknowledgement that the choice to be involved
with another woman’s husband is borne of coveting, jealousy and
desperation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A woman involved with a
married man positions herself to be in (false) competition with his wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="GramE">It’s</span> petty and
small.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It creates chaos in the lives of
people who have done nothing to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Avoid the blame – wait (without engagement or involvement)
until the divorce decree is signed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do
not judge the quality of his marriage, the character or any other attribute of
his WIFE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Married = Stop<span class="GramE">. </span>End Approach<span class="GramE">. Period.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-89451069601149589782012-04-07T13:21:00.003-07:002012-04-25T21:44:14.116-07:00The Balcony is Open<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Enjoying my balcony. Working a little. And acutely aware of the praise that is rising from the depths of my soul. When I try to pinpoint the source of my joy - it becomes fuzzy. There are good things happening, there are challenging things coming. Perhaps it's just that at this stage of my life I know with comfort and contentment that God has a plan and makes a way. And that obedience is a little thing.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Recently, I was reunited with some childhood friends. It is such a blessing. I am so grateful for them in my life again. Such a wonderful and unexpected gift. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I find my mind fresh with simple memories - while getting a manicure this morning I suddenly changed my mind and switched from french to a sassy red polish. When the manicurist finished I looked at my hands and remembered vividly my mother's hands and was warmed by the memories of her. She is still missed - but oh how the memories make me smile. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I am blessed to have friends/cousins who support me in my walk - and tap or thump me when I decide to dance to close to the fire. I am grateful. And there is my work - I am fortunate to enjoy what I do. Speaking of work - I must get back to it. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Be blessed and enjoy Easter. I am always overwhelmed by the mere thought of HIS sacrifice.</span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-694586139057901432012-03-25T15:33:00.001-07:002012-04-25T21:59:22.781-07:00Strength Will Rise<span style="font-size: large;">(Written February 2012)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">I observed something interesting in the last few weeks. I was thinking about the seeming ridicule and
derision of wives who are said to stand by their man in the face of infidelity
or other wrongdoing. This is very common
in the face of infidelity and the more public the more thoughtless the comments
about the wife. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">I wondered if anyone ever considered that standing by your
man is not an act of weakness but of strength and responsibility. A wife is not a girlfriend. Girlfriends are for the casual good times. Wives are for better or worse. A wife is charged with caring for her husband
and infidelity is an indication of spiritual and moral crisis. A wife’s responsibility includes care/concern
for his soul. Loss of integrity and
respect are soul damaging. What happens
when all the drama and attention dies down is what matters…..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">No matter the outcome of the marriage as a result of the
betrayal – it is foolish of the ego and the drama mongering public to believe
that a wife standing by a fallen husband’s side is doing anything less than
deliberately demonstrating unconditional love and forgiveness.</span><span style="font-size: large;"> It does not mean she is not hurt, angry,
embarrassed for him, it does not mean that correction is not required – it may
simply mean that the integrity of her word is bigger than her pride and the
belittling comments of outsiders.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-74885257073214577402012-03-22T15:13:00.000-07:002012-04-25T21:56:10.599-07:00what's gon' be will be<br />
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<div class="Standard">
<span style="color: red;">Written February 6, 2011</span></div>
<div class="Standard">
<br /></div>
<div class="Standard" style="margin-top: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">I
have not posted to this blog in a long time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It seems the time just goes so quickly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have noted that while the past for years has passed quickly casual observers
inform of how long this is taking and that in fact it is taking too long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My question is too long for whom?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was there an urgency that I missed the memo
on?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems that getting it right is
more important than expedience.</span></div>
<div class="Standard" style="margin-top: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">It
is a new season for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And God is still
in the mix.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still believe He has a
plan for my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My friend Herb says,
'Deb, what's gon' be will be”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
agree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So what's the point of getting
worked up and creating more drama.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Someone else said 'but don't you want to be free of the pain and the
sadness?'<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>LOL – life will always be a
mixture of joy and pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can
appreciate them both.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if after 5
years the pain of an old event or circumstance still felt the same then I would
know that I am not doing the work intended or needed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is what it is....</span></div>
<div class="Standard" style="margin-top: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">I
am sitting here in the airport – thinking how quickly I can adapt to a new
routine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is almost 6am on a Sunday
morning and my new routine has begun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick up for LAX at 4:30, all day flight to Canada. Four days of work on
a great project with great people and then home for 2 days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am happy to be away from the drama
here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That's right, it continues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am central to it – without being in
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That seems silly to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="Standard" style="margin-top: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Time
has past for me, filled with living and doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I realized the other day – I laugh a lot!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I find such happiness in the small thing and
my outlook on life has remained very positive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Probably too positive for some.</span></div>
<div class="Standard" style="margin-top: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">To
those observing and enjoying the drama of my husband's long term affair – they
offer needless pity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recognize that my
husband wanted the benefits of marriage without the accountability, work and
sacrifice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He found that in his
relationship with his mistress – no real sacrifice required.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>would have liked him to be a better person
– but who we choose to be is an individual choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has been<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>accommodating in the straddle he chose – no sacrifice required.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could hate him but that would be a waste of
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could feel contempt for her as
well, but at this point she has my pity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It has been a long wait.</span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-70288972735273342232012-03-22T13:52:00.001-07:002012-04-25T21:58:57.534-07:00Redemption<link href="Redemption_files/filelist.xml" rel="File-List"></link>
<title>This been a very interesting topic</title>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Written
12-6-2007<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: small;">This been a very
interesting topic. I understand how Ejimofor could view the group this
way. Our focus is usually on helping each other understand and come to
terms with the pain, grief and harsh realities of the marital crises and
divorces we are living through. And it does come across clearly that
for many the objective is to move on and at some point find a new spouse or
partner to share our lives with... learning to love and trust again. (Not
necessarily finding them on this site, but finding a replacement for our
current or recent spouse at some point.)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: small;">It's interesting
yesterday, Dr. Phil had a young couple on his show, who had managed to make a
complete mockery of their marriage. Lots of infidelity and verbal abuse,
all the result of immaturity and unsurrendered hearts. Dr. Phil listened
to this couple and stated "the best predictor of future behavior is
past behavior". He encouraged this couple to forego reconciliation
until the husband had made some real effort to come to terms with his issues
and behaviors. Dr. Phil did not hold out much hope that this man would
ever be able to grow and change into a successful and effective husband.
Interestingly, the other guest on the panel was Bishop TD
Jakes. And at the end of this show he said something that I don't think
we discuss much in this group. He made clear that he has a deep belief in
the redemptive power of submitting your life to God. He thought the
husband was a hard case and would have a long road to travel but he still said,
“All things are possible with God”.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: small;">I know in my
case, I came to accept that without my husband's reconciliation to God there
can be no reconciliation in our marriage. Will this happen? Who
knows? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: small;">So the question
becomes, how do you not encourage divorce in your own marriage and allow God to
work in not only your life but your spouse 's life as well? The pain
and disappointment that can come from someone's unrepentant heart can be so
overwhelming.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: small;">As I thought
about this I've made some decisions. I have always said that I will not
divorce my husband. He is free to divorce me and I will comply with his
initiatives. In the meantime, I have taken residence/space away
from him so that I can be healthy. I have built a life for myself that
makes me happy. The only thing I'm not doing at this time that
a divorce would allow is “dating”. There is still some stress and
financial burden from the current status of our marriage, but I'm going to
learn to live with that for the time being. There is no real rush.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: small;">I have also
concluded that if my spouse's mistress would like him to be free to be married
to her they can pay for it and bear the inconvenience of it. (It'll be
their first adult project, because dating and sneaking around is kids
play). I am not going to inconvenience myself or create additional
financial hardship (excess attorney fees, etc..) to relieve my husband of
his responsibility for completing the divorce he requested. Believe me,
this is a hard position to hold. On almost a daily basis. I get
encouragement from some to just let him go, take leadership and finish the
divorce blah, blah, blah The truth is I am not holding him - he can
release himself at any time by taking responsibility for completing our
divorce. (Of course, there are older, married women
who regularly tell me "Do not divorce your husband. Allow
him to divorce you, if he will. But you do nothing except wait on the
Lord").<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: small;">Now
reconciliation is a whole 'nother matter and not a subject that I
have to give any consideration to at this time. I am sure that in the
end, if reconciliation is the way that our marriage story is authored by
God, He will give me the heart, mind and will to forgive and trust my spouse
again. If my husband follows through and actually completes our divorce,
I am also certain that God will give me the heart, mind and will to move
through my life. - Happy, Whole and Complete (with or without a new
spouse).<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: small;">I know that the circumstances
for each of us in this group are unique and intensely personal. All I can
say is that maybe there is something worth thinking about in Ejimofor's
message. Maybe it's about trusting that God has a plan and that things
will be worked out in His time. Maybe it's asking " Are we
waiting patiently for God to work on our marriage or are we trying to help
God by proceeding with a divorce?" (Forgetting
that God does not need our help.) Are we cheating ourselves and
our spouses out an opportunity for spiritual growth? You can’t go back, but who knows what forward
looks like? And who knows how long it
should take?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: small;">Maybe our
society has made such a mess of marriage that the degree of hardship and pain
that a couple must endure to make it to "death to do us part" is more
than any of us ever anticipated. Life has no guarantees. Maybe it's
time to start a new movement to save marriage and live it as God
designed. All I can say is I trust that we continue to pray and allow God to let things
unfold in our lives.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: small;">Being part of
this group has been such a blessing in my life. When I hear other
people's story, all I wish is that God’s grace will sustain you and
give you peace.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif";"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-77781863877613567012012-03-22T13:46:00.000-07:002013-01-06T19:34:41.349-08:00There is No War Here<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Sakkal Majalla"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And I'll praise You in this storm<br />
And I will lift my hands<br />
For You are who You are<br />
No matter where I am<br />
And every tear I've cried<br />
You hold in Your hand<br />
You never left my side<br />
And though my heart is torn<br />
I will praise You in this storm </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sakkal Majalla"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">- </span><span style="font-family: "Sakkal Majalla"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Casting Crowns - Praise You In This Storm Lyrics</span><span style="font-family: "Sakkal Majalla"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Sakkal Majalla"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I continue to be awed by way God guided
me through these circumstances. I was speaking with an old friend who had
been through similar circumstances and she noted how composed and resolved I
seem. All I could say was that it was knowing God and knowing that what
transpired – the way it transpired had nothing to do with me or our
marriage. That’s not to say that I was perfect in my marriage – it is
simply to say that the way my spouse chose to deal the challenges we were
facing - resides ONLY with him. I could have responded to the challenges
in our marriage the same way – I CHOSE NOT TO – I chose to honor my vows and be
loyal and steadfast.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Sakkal Majalla"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My spouse’s mistress seems to not get
that – she has commented that she has been made a scapegoat for the issues ‘<i>I
created in my marriage</i>’ [wait a minute I have to stop writing until I
finish laughing]. Whew! that idea still cracks me up - as if she would
have any REAL insight as to what transpired or was transpiring in our marriage.
She knew and knows only what she wants to believe in pursuit and sustenance of
her relationship with my husband. Anyway, I won’t digress to further
comment on her foolishness.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Sakkal Majalla"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My observation of late has been that
over the years, I have been unwilling (or unable) to wage a full-scale
retaliatory divorce WAR against my offending spouse. I have refused and
will continue to refuse to be angry, punitive and otherwise negative. I
refuse to give residence in my spirit and in my life to the negativity that
required to wage a war . I concluded that this situation can and must be
resolved peacefully and equitably. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Sakkal Majalla"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I chose not to wage war because in
healing and moving forward there was no room to carry the anger or bitterness
needed ‘to get even’. I also realized that in the end the truth is always
“A man who finds a wife, finds a good thing” and if that man chooses to give up
his wife – a wiser man will value and appreciate me for my goodness and forgive
me for my flaws. Lastly, I know with certainty that in the end God will
be glorified. (At some point I had to acknowledge that the level of
determination and commitment of external ‘others’ to the dissolution of our
marriage was and is surreal. I have never seen anything like it – not
even on Lifetime.) Plus my new life continues to be a blessing and a joy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Sakkal Majalla"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I also decided that I would not make
rash emotional decisions. I sat with my feelings for a bit worked with a
Christian counselor and then proceeded to take a pragmatic approach about the
details and needed outcomes. I acknowledged that the only urgency for
resolution was coming from external people who are out of place for their
involvement in ANY way, shape or form. I affirmed that God always has a
plan and HE has neither requested nor requires my help. As long as any
resolution I encouraged did not interfere with God’s plan – I have been able to
be patient and pray that I will be able to continue to be patient. HE is
making it easy for me – I am swamped with so many other things.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Sakkal Majalla"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I have held the position of ‘I love you
(unconditionally as a human being) and I want for you what you want for
yourself’. Meaning that if divorce is what you want – I will not seek to
dissuade you. I will, however, stand in full recognition that a man who
has compromised his integrity via infidelity is also very likely to betray me
financially. So, I proceeded with the caution of some who knows the risk
inherent in dealing with someone seeking to escape his problems and avoid
accountability. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Sakkal Majalla"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My spouse is still waging a WAR – it is
a war of angry words and destructive time-wasting. It is an unnecessary
war. I suppose he and his comrades need a common enemy (me) and the
amusement that they get from the drama. The truth is he has no enemy in
me – I am a pacifist armed only with a clear mind and the intent of doing what
is in our mutual best interest. I pray that one day he can acknowledge
that and join me for peaceful resolution. I continue to pray and stand on
God’s word for choosing my own conduct. </span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-11135198126043993142012-03-22T12:08:00.001-07:002012-04-25T22:00:15.898-07:00It's Unfortunate<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">This is another old post from early in this season, probably 2007 or so. It is from a post to a Divorce Recovery Group where someone asked the question: </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>When is divorce ok?</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">I feel you. And in some ways I feel the same - our problems were not in meeting each other companionship and connectedness needs (we had a blast together), but have very different ways of dealing with the adult realities of life. I think as long as there is connection there is always the opportunity for reconciliation (now DESIRE for reconciliation is another matter). And it's good if the feelings are raw and unhidden - buried emotions don't ever stay buried do they? And it's got to be way tougher with kids. We don't have kids - which is another issue (someone said recently a marriage without children is not a real marriage - I disagree.) I am at least beyond the tears, but it is very difficult. I just keep remembering God has a plan. I do take some comfort in that I am not willing to say I wanted this divorce or think that it is for the best - I simply say it is 'unfortunate' that for whatever reason we could not work things out. If my spouse's free will and disobedience gets us to divorce - so be it. Keep your head up. Cry when you need to, be kind to yourself.</span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-66281030794804433432012-03-02T09:43:00.000-08:002012-03-02T09:43:25.248-08:00Refinement - The Sermonette-- The Price Of Pure Gold<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
I came across many Bibles as we were cleaning out my dad' s house. The
article below fell out of one of them. It was very yellowed and
crumpled, but someone obviously thought it was worth saving. So I
stopped my packing for a moment and read it. I was very touched by the
message and it made me think of how we are so conditioned to believe
that life is supposed to be one joyous ride with never a trial. As I
finished the article I realized, some of our most important lessons come
from the things that cut us to the core.<br /><br /> Of course, it was just
a clipping with no reference to the author or paper from which it was
taken. I searched the web to see if I could find me article so that I
would have the appropriate references. I have reproduced the article
below from the clipping.<br /><br /><u><b>The Sermonette-- The Price Of Pure Gold</b></u><br /><br />"... when he had tried me, I shall come forth as gold" (Job 23:10)<br /><br />No
one likes to be tried, tempted, punished, corrected, forced to endure
hardship or obliged to struggle very hard mentally or physical in order
to survive. We all prefer the easy life, shielded from pain, suffering,
hardship and effort of all kinds.<br /><br />Refining processes leading to
perfection are severe. Fire, high temperatures, strong acids, beating,
rolling and mixing in various combinations and degrees are necessary in
the refining of metals.<br /><br />But when the crude ores are subjected to
the necessary degree of heat the proper acids, sufficient rolling and
beating and finally mixed with various alloys-a highly refined and
desirable product is the result.<br /><br />Job perceived that something
similar was necessary to transform human personality in the rough, to a
degree of refinement and development that might be compared to gold.
Metallic ores are not attractive. They are dirty, heavy, crumbly and of
little value until after they have undergone the long, complicated
process of refinement until, finally, the pure gold or the stainless
steel emerges from the unattractive mass. Job developed the insight to
see that we all begin life as crude ore and require the fire, the heat,
the acid, the beating and the rolling one encounters in life in order
that we might eventually "come forth as gold."<br /><br />Unless one
habitually uses his muscles to the point of becoming tired and
uncomfortable, he will not develop great strength. Unless he repeats
the same movements over and over and learns to endure endless boredom,
he will not develop desirable manual and technical skills. It is hard
work to think. Most of us avoid it as far as possible. Nevertheless,
if we do not think and think hard and continually and to the point of
great discomfort, we will not develop much capacity for thinking.<br /><br />We
do not like to undergo hardships but there is no other way to develop
strength. We are annoyed when we have to solve problems and bear
responsibility but self-reliance and capacity can be attained no other
way. We do not like to withstand temptation; it is much easier to
yield. But character and integrity are the fruits that ripen slowly on
the tree of steadfast self-control.<br /><br />We are no stronger than the
temptations we have overcome; no more self-reliant than the problems we
have solved and difficulties we have surmounted. Our skills and never
exceed the effort we have put forth to acquire them. Our insights are
not greater than efforts we have made to gain them and the imagination
we have developed by the steady and continual use of our mind. Our
spiritual development is measured by the amount of time we spend reading
the scriptures, studying devotional literature and worshiping God.<br /><br />As
gold emerges from the fire and acid, so excellence of character emerges
when one refuses to be crushed by the temptations, storms and hardships
of life, but seizes, and even welcomes them as the necessary processes
through which he must pass in order to bring forth the best there is in
him.<br /><br />One man falls when temptation confronts him while another
resists and strengthens his character. One man gives up when accident,
illness or misfortune assails, but another mobilizes his determination,
his mental and physical resources and, with great effort and
persistence, overcomes the obstacle.<br /><br />We do not like such experiences but we would be pusillanimous weaklings without them.<br /><br />To
fulfill a reasonable portion of one's potential, one must strive
mightily, just as one must exert himself in patient toil to gain the
summit of a mountain.<br /><br />Then, welcomed each rebuff<br />That turns earth smoothness rough<br />Each sting that bids nor sit nor stand but go!<br />Be our joys three-parts pain!<br />Strive, and hold cheap the strain;<br />Learn, nor account the pang; dare,<br />Never grudge the throe!<br /><br />Robert Browning-Rabbi Ben Ezra Stanza 6</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-72962335637453457872012-02-21T08:22:00.000-08:002012-02-29T10:02:27.733-08:00It just struck me as funny.<span class="gc-message-sms-from">
</span>
<span class="gc-message-sms-text" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It just struck me as funny. </span><br />
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<span class="gc-message-sms-text">I am
proud of myself for my capacity to still want peace and resolution and <b>
WANT </b>what is best for my estranged spouse. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<span class="gc-message-sms-text">And my estranged spouse is proud of himself for his intentional disregard, disdain and disrespect of me. </span><br />
<span class="gc-message-sms-text"><br /></span><br />
<span class="gc-message-sms-text">Such different frames of reference.</span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-51313401411440769722012-02-16T12:51:00.000-08:002012-02-16T12:51:04.024-08:00Forgiveness 1<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Calibri; font-size: x-small;">(Another old post - I held onto some of them because publishing them at the time may have colored events that I was trying to let unfold without interference or influence from any agenda that may not have been the unfolding God intended. I think this was written early in 2007)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Your post most made think of something
my counselor said in my last session. We were discussing my dragging divorce
and why my spouse and I are having such difficulty ending our marriage (believe
me if you saw us at war - you would say what's the problem get on with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the anger, hurt, distrust - mostly as a
result of this process). Anyway, my comment to my counselor was "I don't
know why we just don't let go." I am willing to allow him to divorce me,
but he can still call and get to me and I 'get' him right back (of course,
after I have been provoked - wink wink). So my counselor (a christian counselor)
said can you be kinder to him and give him an opening for healing. I promptly
folded my arms, pouted and said "I don't want to!" She laughed, shook
her head "ok, that was the 5-year old answer, now how about answering the
question I asked "Can you?" My eyes filled up with water and I never
answered the question</span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The thought of putting myself at risk
with him is a fear like I <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>have never
known. Could I even contemplate a non-defensive vulnerable position with the
STBX? How could she even think such a thing? I thought she must be daft or
insane from listening to me and others like me. Her next instruction was pray
about it - "sometimes God knows what you need better than you do."
Maybe there is a reason this parting causes so much pain??? My point is even if
we think the beginning of our marriage was not ideal or there were
"known" issues once the commitment was made, life was a journey we
were COMMITTED to make together. Is the guilt, misery and loneliness now better
than or just different from what transpired in the marriage that make us
willing to exit? And maybe from the pain and discomfort comes growth.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">BTW - I have still not answered my
counselor's question. I have also not been more receptive to not treating my
spouse like the STBX who has wreaked havoc in my life - most of the time I try
to be nice, but conscious that I am handling radioactive material - oops that's
right he is a human being (maybe radioactive is harsh). It is clearly the hardest
decision I have ever had to contemplate. Do I go with the conventional wisdom
of adding him to the "human garbage" heap and seeking greener
pastures? Or do I wait for things to be resolved in God's time and in His way?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Last note: I forget who said it but I
heard it recently – punishing your spouse for adultery in light of current
social mores has ruined so many families. The suggestion was that people need
"healing" more than shunning. What makes someone choose adultery as a
way to solve a problem (we all know it just creates a bigger problem than the
onet hey were trying to run from in the first place). I am not excusing adultery,
but I would ask how many of us born after 1960 have had only one sexual
partner? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get my point?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the ‘relief’ we seem to seek first, the
false of fleeting intimacy of physical contact.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-68231681977805651902012-02-16T11:59:00.000-08:002012-04-25T22:01:29.079-07:00I Will Walk By Faith<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">Gratitude stabilizes my life and helps me keep my
perspective clear. I am as usual so
grateful for all the things that are right in my life and patient for things
that require redress. And as usual God
unfailingly gives me confirmation of the order of my steps. A few weeks ago, as I was accepting that some
things are still out of my hands, every time I got in my car no matter the time
of day the first song on when I clicked on my radio was “I Will Walk By Faith” by
Jeremy Camp. The lyrics remind me that I
have chosen to walk in faith – the
lyrics:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">
</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Would
I believe you when you would say <br />
Your hand will guide my every way <br />
Will I receive the words You say <br />
Every moment of every day <br /><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">[chorus]<br />
<span style="background-color: yellow;">Well I will walk by faith <br />
<span style="background-color: yellow;">Even when I cannot see</span>
<br />
Well because this broken road <br />
Prepares Your will for me </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
Help me to win my endless fears <br />
You've been so faithful for all my years <br />
With one breath You make me new <br />
Your grace covers all I do <br />
<br />
Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face <br />
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace <br />
I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith <br />
I will, I will, I will walk by faith<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">
</span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">This song helped me remember that
I have committed to allow certain circumstances to unfold as God will author
them. And that whatever attempt I make, whatever participation I choose to resolve these circumstances must continue to be based
on my own values. I must continue to not
be driven by the chatter and confusion of others who should not be involved in
these particulars circumstances.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">Time is proving to be a revealer
of truth. The pettiness and jealousy
behind the actions of others is undeniable.
Which simply provides an opportunity for me to know how to LIFT (Live in
Forgiveness and Truth). I am hopeful
that in the face of truth resolution will come peacefully and timely. This has taken what seems like a long time,
and had I been sitting still it would probably ‘feel’ like an even longer time. At every step God has made it possible for me
to grow and keep moving. I am grateful.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-69246542030368383342011-12-25T17:35:00.000-08:002017-05-15T14:57:58.777-07:00Whose Divorce is it ANYWAY?<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
This
blog has been niggling at the edge of my mind since the beginning of the
month. On Dec 7<sup>th</sup> we had the
hearing for my estranged husband’s 2<sup>nd</sup> bifurcation motion. He was a no show (again) so it was an
expensive non-event. The motion was
denied without prejudice.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
The
next day I received a copy of my attorney’s letter to my spouse’s
attorney. Standard follow up to the
previous day’s proceedings, however, the last line left me feeling unsettled in
my soul. The last sentence read “….so we
may try to move the case forward.”</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
Pretty
innocuous, right? However, the reference
to the ‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>case</u></b>’ reminded me of
how the humanity of the spouses is eliminated from the process. It’s just a ‘case’ where both attorneys
seeking to win (even completely trounce) the opposition. Gladiators at battle in the conference and
court room. And when it is over – they
move on to the next case with scarcely a look back at the collateral damage –the
collateral damage being the lives of the spouses living in the aftermath. It also made me very aware that my spouse and
I are simply reduced to litigants with short-term relevance to our
attorneys. Their own lives unchanged by the signing of our decree. Even
more odd, the attorneys are positioned by their role in the divorce to ‘judge’ your
marriage and the other spouse – someone they do not know and in many cases have
never met other than under these circumstances.
Supporting the dehumanization of the spouses.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
I
am also struck by the idea that the court or attorneys are tasked to “Move it
along”….if </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
the spouses are stuck and not moving forward and it is neither a
legal or tactical problem….what’s the point of the attorneys moving it along? They do not in most cases have the needed
skillset to help the stuck spouses move of their own accord. I give credit to the mediators we started out
with – they recognized that neither of us were emotionally ready or committed
to completing the divorce – so after 2 sessions THEY dropped us as
clients. Their team included a lawyer
and an MFT. The goal was to facilitate
an amicable and fair dissolution of our marriage. Divorce does not settle a fight – it facilitates
permanent avoidance and launches another fight.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
Now
I have been very clear with my attorney that his role is advisor, and that he
is no way authorized to pursue or encourage an adversarial relationship with my
estranged spouse or my spouse’s attorney.
I am sure I frustrate him a bit, but I am committed to no one but my
estranged spouse and I making the decisions about the dissolution of our
marriage. Because at the end of the day
– the only people living with the life-long effect of the divorce are the
spouses and their children. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
If
you know me you know that I am perfectly capable of speaking up and standing up
for myself. I engaged an attorney
because I am not a subject matter expert on family law. But not for one minute did I or do I plan to
abdicate my responsibility for working through this in the manner that is healthiest and financially sane for me. I
will not get caught up by all the chatter or false fight energy that seems to
spring up and out once the word divorce is uttered.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-78664967077977804852011-10-20T15:18:00.000-07:002012-03-09T19:00:58.851-08:00It's Still The Wrong Question....<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I spoke to someone today who said "you have to accept that he wants a divorce." I paused to straighten my face because after 6 years of hearing that (and mostly not from him by now) accompanied by absolutely nothing realistic happening toward a divorce - all I can do is laugh and shake my head. And what does this person think I have done or could do to prevent it? If he <b>WANTED </b>one - he would have gotten one. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">My dad used to say
'People in hell WANT ice water' - ridiculous - they want it but are
without the wherewithal to get it because of the circumstances they
chose for themselves. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">And at the end of the day - it's never been about me or our marriage. It wasn't then and it isn't now.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It becomes clearer and clearer to me at least that there is much external at work to make this happen. Very unfortunate and pretty ungodly. With all the waiting that external parties have invested in - it seems someone should have asked -"what do you want from or with me?" And after all this time that question has been answered - whether it was asked or not - the response is clearly 'nothing more than what we have now.'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The question should not be about the divorce of a married couple. Instead of asking why the couple is not divorced and continue to support dissension, discord and estrangement - the question should have ALWAYS been about the desired, hoped for, planned expected future that the onlookers and external parties were 'hoping' and waiting on. Clarity, commitment or real vision for the future will propel you forward no matter what else is transpiring. Without that sort of motivation you can very easily slip into simply maintaining the status quo. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">So the question is "What do you want your future to look like?" That was the approach I took and it has allowed me to move forward so that when all things are resolved I AM already where I want to be or at least on the road to it.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-45164350201077101562011-10-20T14:53:00.000-07:002012-02-29T10:03:14.417-08:00<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
An interesting question from Pastor Byron MacDonald: "Are you standing in the way of someone's encounter with God?"</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This made me think of a few people who say they were just being supportive. I wonder if they recognize the desire for their own priorities in their offered support. Was there ever a time to step back and really looking at the consequences they were encouraging with their support? Maybe the happiness they were encouraging was not what God had planned for the person to get from the circumstances they were in. And if the support offered sanctioned and encouraged morally offensive behavior - then the answer is clear the only support was for their own agenda.</span><br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-37121743535266155432011-10-13T16:39:00.000-07:002011-10-20T15:17:04.666-07:00It's time to take the sex appeal out of adultery.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">It's time to take
the sex appeal out of adultery. Referring
to adultery as a ‘love triangle’ allows it to be excused/romanticized as the unfortunate
fate of star-crossed lovers. The reality
is that love seldom if ever has anything to do with it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">They say a picture
is worth 1000 words, so rather than continue trying to find words that are not tinged
with my feelings about my experience with the subject, here's the picture:</span> </div>
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-39389251223880704212011-10-03T11:53:00.000-07:002011-10-07T10:36:58.909-07:00Faithfulness<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
The other day, someone commented to me that they respected the faithfulness I had to my husband in this season of estrangement and conflict. And I thought with a chuckle, "That's what you think I'm being faithful to?" It's actually much simpler than that - I simply being faithful and respectful to MY own values, he has far less to do with my choices. It has to do with how I see myself as a person more than what I expect from my husband in the future.</div>
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It must be a hard concept for some - the idea that until you are faithful to yourself you can be faithful to no one else. That also implies that you have the maturity to know what you value and have enough self-control to practice the standard of conduct that is consistent with your values. </div>
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I respect my values and the beliefs that they are founded upon. Therefore, acting in accordance with them, although some times challenging, is the goal. It is about living an authentic and truthful life. If you have values that you are not comfortable espousing or living something is out of whack - your beliefs or behavior. The work of life involves bringing those things into harmonious alignment.</div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-8783961120733093062011-07-11T14:30:00.000-07:002011-10-06T11:34:38.972-07:00And the Wife Said….”Seek God, Seek Counseling, Find a hobby that you enjoy.”<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">I haven't written for this blog in quite some time, I have been fairly busy. Life has been unfolding in miraculous and fabulous ways. I have had so many blessings in this season I cannot count them. So while it may seem that the ongoing drama of marital strife should have colored my days with nothing but sadness and pain, God gave to me an opportunity to grow closer to him and more free time to be of service to others.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">It sounds crazy to say that it has been very near 6 years since this madness started. Yet in August 2011, it will be 6 years since I moved out of the home that I shared with my husband. And still we are not divorced nor are we successfully separated and moving toward divorce or reconciliation.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">For my part, I determined long ago that my priority was honoring my own values and protecting my financial interests. I have sought legal remedy with great expense and little success. At some point I concluded, that dragging a man through a divorce was no more likely than dragging one to the altar. So I turned my energy and interest to living the best life that I could make for myself and allowing God to have his way in my marriage and my husband's life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">And I guess that's where I pick up this blog. I recall my response to my husband when he informed me that he was unhappy. Of course, I asked the standard question ‘What is making you unhappy?” I had a sincere desire to know. Because clearly, if there were things in my behavior that were making our home contentious and unproductive I was willing to confront them directly and make appropriate corrections since my objective was a happy and peaceful home. It turns out it was not my cooking, my housekeeping, my attitude and availability for sex, personal hygiene, my financial habits nor work ethic. His response was more general <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">malaise</b>. It's very difficult to solve a nonspecific problem so my response was simple I said "<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Seek God, Seek counseling, find a hobby that you enjoy.</b>" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">In 6 years, that's 2160 days, we have not been able to find a way of successfully resolving these circumstances. But my most interesting observation of late is to note that over the years my husband rationale for ending our marriage has gone from “I'm just not happy” to:</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: Symbol;"><span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">I ended our marriage because<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>I couldn't stand to be married to you <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Debra</b> because you're horrible (translation </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings;">à</span><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";"> it’s your fault I could not honor MY vows)</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">I can't divorce you because <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Debra </b>your horrible and crazy (translation </span><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";"> there is something wrong with you because you will not agree to let ME screw you over financially – lol)</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">I'm going to ignore you and pretend the situation doesn't exist because <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Debra</b> you're horrible (translation –- I am still having a good time with my mistress and she doesn’t care that I am still married, so I don’t have to clean up my mess)</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">I almost have to chuckle at the revisionist rationalization of it all. And my response today is the same as it was 6 years ago “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Seek God, Seek counseling, find a hobby that you enjo</b>y.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Now of course in the 6 years my estranged spouse has had his cheerleaders and fans that from their own self-interests have supported and encouraged his behavior. These range from the mistress (holding on to be next) to friends simply entertained by the drama of it all. These consorts knowingly or unintentionally have indulged and supported him in leaving his marital circumstances unresolved. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">The mistress seems oblivious or unwilling to recognize that what keeps him from completing his divorce is her consistent availability. Yep she’s been around 6 years or longer – talk about determination and dedication to a cause (but that’s another blog</span><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">). If my estranged spouse had to establish his romantic market value (RMV) as a truly single man to have female companionship it is likely that he would have completed our divorce. Instead of helping a man to stand and take care of real business, the mistress' invitation to “Come lay up in my love hangover” helps him <u>avoid</u> resolution. She’s her own worst enemy. It reminds me of the kind of mom who let you go outside to play while your room is still dirty while she ignores your mess and responsibility for cleaning it up. It also reminds me of the difference between WOMEN and mere females.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">And my response today is the same as it was 6 years ago ‘<b>Seek God, Seek counseling, find a hobby that you enjoy</b>”. And of course, clean up your mess.</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3561207420390069898.post-40947678211944182862009-12-29T11:46:00.000-08:002010-02-26T20:21:16.575-08:00It is time to get really 'REAL'I haven't published much to my blog lately. The drama factor is old. Today I am just sharing to articles that I came across separately that I thought should have been published together. The destruction of families has produced such ills and destruction in our society. Anyway, so as to not start on my dissertation, here are the 2 articles:<br />
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This was a very interesting article. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/25/AR2009122501440.html <br />
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I think this article should be handed to every person before they even consider in engaging with a married or separated person. It's called "Keep a Tiger Out of YOUR Tank'<br />
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http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-goulston-md/just-listen----keep-a-tig_b_402102.html <br />
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(and for those who don't want to follow the link - the condensed version:<br />
10 Reasons Not to Date a Married Man<br />
a.k.a He'll NEVER stay that into you<br />
There are no positive reasons for dating a married man. Even the good reasons don't stand the test of time and turn out to be bad ideas in good ideas' clothing. If you find yourself on the brink of temptation, look at these 10 truths before you leap:<br />
1. He won't commit to a future with you. A man who is in a very unhappy or unsatisfying marriage can feel swept away by how wonderful you make him feel. He may even blurt out, "I've never felt this way before and I can see spending the rest of my life with you." This may sound like a commitment to a future with you. It's not. Don't confuse his loving the way you make him feel with his loving you and making a commitment to you.<br />
2. Cheating on his wife tells you how he deals with any situation he doesn't like. You are evidence of his avoiding dealing with unpleasant situations head on. This means that he's likely to resort to some devious behavior with you if the two of you encounter relationship problems.<br />
3. Hiding is exhausting. Having to keep your relationship a secret can attack your self-esteem and cause you to miss out on one of the wonderful aspects of a relationship. Walking together freely and radiantly through the world can fill you with the glow of being with someone who is proud to be with you.<br />
4. He's got his cake and is eating it, too. He has a legitimate married relationship that helps his public persona and he has an illegitimate one with you to make up for what he's missing in his marriage. As appreciative as he sounds, many women who are involved with married men come to resent his having the best of both worlds, when she has the least.<br />
5. Can you love someone who is so disrespectful of his wife? The existence of your relationship with a married man tells you how little he respects his wife by lying to her instead of being a man and telling her he wants out.<br />
6. Lose his respect and it's over. Even though he's the one who pursued you. Even though he's the one that made it difficult to say "No." And even though he tells you how wonderful you are. At some level, he's going to have trouble respecting you for settling for such a flawed relationship. Like the Groucho Marx joke, "He may not want to be of a relationship that would have him as a partner."<br />
7. You're not a home wrecker, just an accomplice. Like it or not, you are a willing participant in a man violating his vows and betraying the trust of his wife -- not to mention grossly disappointing his children and making it difficult for them to see him as a role model.<br />
8. You're kidding yourself. Despite his reassuring you how much you mean to him, his not ending his relationship with his wife in an above-board and respectful way -- and not beginning a legitimate relationship with you -- are actions that speak louder than words.<br />
9. Beware the guilt boomerang. Many men (and women) have difficulty accepting full responsibility for their deceitful actions. Human nature finds it easier to blame than to accept shame. If he is caught by his wife or conscience, don't be surprised if he tries to blame you and get you to take the fall.<br />
10. Time is too precious to waste. Ever notice how quickly the years go as you get older? Because it's convenient and comfortable, a relationship with a married man can go on for a long time -- and before you know it, eat up the precious time you might have had in a healthy relationship with a chance of flourishing. When people who have been involved with married men finally move on, they often regret having wasted the time in a dead-end affair.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1