Refinement

I came across many Bibles as we were cleaning out my dad' s house. The article below fell out of one of them. It was very yellowed and crumpled, but someone obviously thought it was worth saving. So I stopped my packing for a moment and read it. I was very touched by the message and it made me think of how we are so conditioned to believe that life is supposed to be one joyous ride with never a trial. As I finished the article I realized, some of our most important lessons come from the things that cut us to the core.

Of course, it was just a clipping with no reference to the author or paper from which it was taken. I searched the web to see if I could find me article so that I would have the appropriate references. I have reproduced the article below from the clipping.

The Sermonette-- The Price Of Pure Gold

"... when he had tried me, I shall come forth as gold" (Job 23:10)

No one likes to be tried, tempted, punished, corrected, forced to endure hardship or obliged to struggle very hard mentally or physical in order to survive. We all prefer the easy life, shielded from pain, suffering, hardship and effort of all kinds.

Refining processes leading to perfection are severe. Fire, high temperatures, strong acids, beating, rolling and mixing in various combinations and degrees are necessary in the refining of metals.

But when the crude ores are subjected to the necessary degree of heat the proper acids, sufficient rolling and beating and finally mixed with various alloys-a highly refined and desirable product is the result.

Job perceived that something similar was necessary to transform human personality in the rough, to a degree of refinement and development that might be compared to gold. Metallic ores are not attractive. They are dirty, heavy, crumbly and of little value until after they have undergone the long, complicated process of refinement until, finally, the pure gold or the stainless steel emerges from the unattractive mass. Job developed the insight to see that we all begin life as crude ore and require the fire, the heat, the acid, the beating and the rolling one encounters in life in order that we might eventually "come forth as gold."

Unless one habitually uses his muscles to the point of becoming tired and uncomfortable, he will not develop great strength. Unless he repeats the same movements over and over and learns to endure endless boredom, he will not develop desirable manual and technical skills. It is hard work to think. Most of us avoid it as far as possible. Nevertheless, if we do not think and think hard and continually and to the point of great discomfort, we will not develop much capacity for thinking.

We do not like to undergo hardships but there is no other way to develop strength. We are annoyed when we have to solve problems and bear responsibility but self-reliance and capacity can be attained no other way. We do not like to withstand temptation; it is much easier to yield. But character and integrity are the fruits that ripen slowly on the tree of steadfast self-control.

We are no stronger than the temptations we have overcome; no more self-reliant than the problems we have solved and difficulties we have surmounted. Our skills and never exceed the effort we have put forth to acquire them. Our insights are not greater than efforts we have made to gain them and the imagination we have developed by the steady and continual use of our mind. Our spiritual development is measured by the amount of time we spend reading the scriptures, studying devotional literature and worshiping God.

As gold emerges from the fire and acid, so excellence of character emerges when one refuses to be crushed by the temptations, storms and hardships of life, but seizes, and even welcomes them as the necessary processes through which he must pass in order to bring forth the best there is in him.

One man falls when temptation confronts him while another resists and strengthens his character. One man gives up when accident, illness or misfortune assails, but another mobilizes his determination, his mental and physical resources and, with great effort and persistence, overcomes the obstacle.

We do not like such experiences but we would be pusillanimous weaklings without them.

To fulfill a reasonable portion of one's potential, one must strive mightily, just as one must exert himself in patient toil to gain the summit of a mountain.

Then, welcomed each rebuff
That turns earth smoothness rough
Each sting that bids nor sit nor stand but go!
Be our joys three-parts pain!
Strive, and hold cheap the strain;
Learn, nor account the pang; dare,
Never grudge the throe!

Robert Browning-Rabbi Ben Ezra Stanza 6

I suppose it is a call....

Over the last 3 years, I have had many people comment on patience and love for my spouse based on enduring and perseveringin this season of our lives. I have said that my commitment is for our mutual best interest. At times, I have sought to articulate my understanding of my call and my willingness to stand in my convictions. The other day I read this in a book by Gary Thomas:

“…..The most important place you can ever move your husband toward is God. When you consider the eternal benefits and your husband’s spiritual health, nothing else comes close. It’s not an easy battle, nor is there a guaranteed victory – but in the end, it’s a fight worth fighting.”

I don’t think anyone ever told me this explicitly…but I am certain it was modeled for me by the important women in my life. My hope is always that my husband would allow God to guide our marriage and if that failed that at least He would be mutually present in our divorce. To date I have not seen it happen – I can only take on faith that God is a work behind the scenes.

Divorce is an unfortunate thing but it need not be characterized by continuing discord, anger and selfishness. It should be like dividing up a bag of marbles – you place ALL the marbles on the table and proceed. One for you, one for me until it’s all divided up. Depending on the item – it may even be reasonable to say one for you, two for me - until it balances out. There are lots of qualified counselors and lawyers to help with process. And if everyone can come to the table with an understanding that the edifice of the marriage will be dismantled it should be do-able. A spirit of resolution (if not reconciliation) must reign. Must be allowed to reign. There are no winners in this…..

It ‘feels’ awful to have someone take unjustly from you what you have worked for – as if you were only working for their benefit. What foolishness. We worked together to achieve – it was not one-sided then and it should not be one-sided now. And if the effort of building home is so trivial – then relinquish the artifacts of the work. I have never said it was trivial and would not expect someone else to involuntarily forfeit the fruits of their labor. Divorce without settlement is petty and ridiculous. Truly, it is a hurtful and insulting thing.

Mockery

These are interesting times to say the least. My entries on this blog has been about my observations about God's hand and handi-work in this season of my life. It is fast approaching the 3rd anniversary of my separation from my spouse. I have thought about how the choices of the heart can cause one to mock God and marriage. I am learning how that same spirit of confusion and disobedience can lead a person to mock divorce and the courts as well. (After being separated this long bifurcation is a ridiculous option - it is a marital status only resolution - they declare you single while you must continue to work through settlement with an ex-spouse. There is no point - cut all ties at once.)

I do believe, divorce while a painful process can be simple enough. However, like marriage emotional maturity is required. I have said since day 1 - that I would be likely to cry all the way through the proceeding but that I would comply and continue to stand in my values through the process. My position has not changed. I am committed to fairness and wish to seek no inequitable redress for a breached commitment.

I am finding that a spirit of humility and forgiveness - is healing and makes what could be overwhelming sad bearable. I am also finding that as a woman - being business savvy is a blessing. Feeling based decisions are seldom in your financial best interest. The statistics show that women are more financially harmed in that it takes them longer to recover financially from a divorce. With that in mind - I would advise women cry if you must, endure the pain but seek and stand firm for an equitable settlement.

As I say God always has a plan. I am beginning to be able to see meaningful purpose coming out of this season. Stay tuned :)

Disclaimer: I am in a goofy mood and these are just my musings.....

How come when a stranger steals from you there is outrage - everybody wants the law to prosecute them and send them to jail but when your spouse or some person you may know steals from you - the advice is forgive them, walk away, it's only stuff, you can get more.... hmmm does familiarity or association make a difference? does it change the nature of theft or the thief? hmmm... I wonder......

Some times you just have to say 'Thank You'

Last night I was a little restless and could not sleep and to clear my mind I decided to focus on what I was grateful on ‘this’ day.

Thank you God for keeping me safe.

Thank you God for preserving my peace of mind.

Thank you God for preventing bitterness from taking root in my heart.

Thank you God for giving me grace.

Thank you God for giving me clarity of thought.

Thank you God for giving me the opportunity to learn patience and trust in YOU through faith.

Thank you God for maturing my spirit to extend forgiveness and accept being forgiven.

Thank you God for each new day.

Merry Christmas 2008

It’s year 3 of the marital madness and on this Christmas day I say “Praise God – I am still standing!  And happy and healthy.”  My happiness and joy are not circumstance dependent J  Thank God I learned that lesson years ago.

It has been a year of growth and change, but no resolution of the marital stuff.  I am feeling well and told I am looking well.  I am looking forward to more positive changes in 2009.  Fabulous!!  Who could ask for more?  I still get asked “Shouldn’t you force things?  –you deserve better” or my other favorite “You deserve some happiness too.”

I find it funny that people so quickly assume that all happiness is dependent on an intimate relationship.  If you follow that train of thought every single person must be miserable (lol – it’s ludicrous).  Besides I believe the new trend is ‘serial hooking up’ and not even dating, so am I being encouraged to jump on that train….I hope not I still believe in marriage and real intimacy.

The other thing is I still tell my husband he has my full support in achieving what he wants for himself.  Of course, I have learned you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.  And what makes people assume he’s happier than I am????  Because he has resumed his life as single man?  That would be odd…all the studies say married men live longer.  Stand us side-by-side and you judge.  I am not convinced it’s all he thought it would be…although some appearances can be deceiving 

We’ve both been laid off recently so the cost of a divorce has just gone up (actually our resources have gone down) – 2 years ago it would have been more profitable.  We had jobs and our real estate had better value.  What a mess – this is why I blog. 

In the meantime, I pray for us all.  I am still certain God has a plan and is taking me (and most likely Steven too) somewhere with this madness.  I am not sure where we will end up but I am 100% certain that in the end God will get the glory.

Glad Tidings to you all J

 

Follow and Then Follow Some More

Have you ever been hurt so deeply that you can’t even cry? I find myself surprised that I cannot muster the tears that most would believe my situation warrants. The drama. The pain. The prolonged non-resolution…..

You know you think by the time you are 40-something God has set you on a path and in your mature wisdom you have agreed to follow it. AND then in the midst - ‘stuff’ you never expected or foresaw show up in your life. If you are lucky – it is unexpected success and joy. If you are really lucky – it is challenge and pain and the realization that there is NOTHING greater than God in your life. In spite of it all – I never cease to remember that God has a plan for my life and that HE is going somewhere (God only knows where J) but some where with this chaos and madness.

My spouse and I are 3 years into this sad drama and no closer to resolution than we were when I moved out 18 months ago. I have gotten very comfortable in my new life without him so reconciliation seems unrealistic and he has not appropriately followed through on the dissolution (it is after all about masculine leadership in the family – for me anyway). So we live in a gray area – I have resumed wearing my wedding ring as a reminder that marriage is sacred and until it is resolved legally and spiritually by my spouse - we are bound no matter how sad the state of our bondage. Recently, I found myself trying to explain to a friend with a secular understanding of marriage why I have not “forced” the dissolution (truthfully it’s not possible), but mid-sentence I realized I was explaining a sacred relationship to someone with only a worldly/popular understanding of marriage. So I shut-up – there is no need to explain – God’s Will –will be done.

The joy – God is forever giving us sign posts – we just have to pay attention so we can recognize that we have not been forsaken by HIM. For me, this week it was Myles, Risa, and Lloyd. Myles, dear beloved Myles (he’s a little older and wiser – praise God for a godly surrendered man) Myles shared with me that while your 40’s FEEL great – God will test you to see if you really understand surrender. And that you can and will follow HIS word in the face of your fears. Bless you Myles!! Risa, my darling Risa Mae (surprising how many people still believe Mae is her middle name - it’s a name I stuck her with because of her genuine southern warmth and authenticity). This week she shared with me how her prayer life is blossoming – literally on fire. She prayed for me. I have no rent money this month – yet her words of comfort and faith calmed my soul and stilled my racing mind enough for me to focus on the billable work I do have – we prayed via instant messenger – after 20 years of friendship we use the tools at hand J AND Pastor Lloyd Harrison – Oh my soul!! Lloyd is a family friend – always around Uncle Booney and my recently deceased Aunt Erine’s (Edwina – we always had her name wrong) kids. He’s a senior pastor at Willow Street Church of God It was visitors’ day at the church today so I went with my Uncle and Cousins. What a message – “The Cure for Carnality” First let me say I say I was tickled pink (almost fuchsia) by what a dynamic speaker he is – then the message was so appropriate for the week I have had and where I am in my marital strife. His sermon was about relationships and the friends who really love you and stand by you through the good and bad. It was also about discernment – an uncomfortable concept – if you don’t want to confront the depth or quality of your relationships. Thank You Pastor Lloyd. His message focused on Proverbs Chapter 13:20-21 with some excursions to Corinthians and Galatians. I say “Buy the Tape” What a message – Lloyd thank you for sharing and being “authentic”.

OK – back to seeking income. Still the good news is I know where I stand and I can stand there unafraid. Notice I did not say without anxiety – my flesh will always respond to anxiety – its natural. Some moments – I am out of my mind with anxiety. I go to ground in prayer. My heart and relationship with God with remind to tell my flesh to be still – while I turn to God for real, lasting answers.