Tuesday, February 21, 2012

It just struck me as funny.

It just struck me as funny. 

I am proud of myself for my capacity to still want peace and resolution and WANT what is best for my estranged spouse. 

And my estranged spouse is proud of himself for his intentional disregard, disdain and disrespect of me.

Such different frames of reference.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Forgiveness 1

(Another old post - I held onto some of them because publishing them at the time may have colored events that I was trying to let unfold without interference or influence from any agenda that may not have been the unfolding God intended.  I think this was written early in 2007)

Your post most made think of something my counselor said in my last session. We were discussing my dragging divorce and why my spouse and I are having such difficulty ending our marriage (believe me if you saw us at war - you would say what's the problem get on with it.  All the anger, hurt, distrust - mostly as a result of this process). Anyway, my comment to my counselor was "I don't know why we just don't let go." I am willing to allow him to divorce me, but he can still call and get to me and I 'get' him right back (of course, after I have been provoked - wink wink). So my counselor (a christian counselor) said can you be kinder to him and give him an opening for healing. I promptly folded my arms, pouted and said "I don't want to!" She laughed, shook her head "ok, that was the 5-year old answer, now how about answering the question I asked "Can you?" My eyes filled up with water and I never answered the question.

The thought of putting myself at risk with him is a fear like I  have never known. Could I even contemplate a non-defensive vulnerable position with the STBX? How could she even think such a thing? I thought she must be daft or insane from listening to me and others like me. Her next instruction was pray about it - "sometimes God knows what you need better than you do." Maybe there is a reason this parting causes so much pain??? My point is even if we think the beginning of our marriage was not ideal or there were "known" issues once the commitment was made, life was a journey we were COMMITTED to make together. Is the guilt, misery and loneliness now better than or just different from what transpired in the marriage that make us willing to exit? And maybe from the pain and discomfort comes growth.
BTW - I have still not answered my counselor's question. I have also not been more receptive to not treating my spouse like the STBX who has wreaked havoc in my life - most of the time I try to be nice, but conscious that I am handling radioactive material - oops that's right he is a human being (maybe radioactive is harsh). It is clearly the hardest decision I have ever had to contemplate. Do I go with the conventional wisdom of adding him to the "human garbage" heap and seeking greener pastures? Or do I wait for things to be resolved in God's time and in His way?
Last note: I forget who said it but I heard it recently – punishing your spouse for adultery in light of current social mores has ruined so many families. The suggestion was that people need "healing" more than shunning. What makes someone choose adultery as a way to solve a problem (we all know it just creates a bigger problem than the onet hey were trying to run from in the first place). I am not excusing adultery, but I would ask how many of us born after 1960 have had only one sexual partner?  Get my point?  It is the ‘relief’ we seem to seek first, the false of fleeting intimacy of physical contact.

I Will Walk By Faith

Gratitude stabilizes my life and helps me keep my perspective clear.  I am as usual so grateful for all the things that are right in my life and patient for things that require redress.  And as usual God unfailingly gives me confirmation of the order of my steps.  A few weeks ago, as I was accepting that some things are still out of my hands, every time I got in my car no matter the time of day the first song on when I clicked on my radio was “I Will Walk By Faith” by Jeremy Camp.  The lyrics remind me that I have chosen to walk in faith –  the lyrics:

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me 

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith

This song helped me remember that I have committed to allow certain circumstances to unfold as God will author them.  And that whatever attempt I make, whatever participation I choose to resolve these circumstances must continue to be based on my own values.  I must continue to not be driven by the chatter and confusion of others who should not be involved in these particulars circumstances.

Time is proving to be a revealer of truth.  The pettiness and jealousy behind the actions of others is undeniable.  Which simply provides an opportunity for me to know how to LIFT (Live in Forgiveness and Truth).  I am hopeful that in the face of truth resolution will come peacefully and timely.  This has taken what seems like a long time, and had I been sitting still it would probably ‘feel’ like an even longer time.  At every step God has made it possible for me to grow and keep moving.  I am grateful.