(Another old post - I held onto some of them because publishing them at the time may have colored events that I was trying to let unfold without interference or influence from any agenda that may not have been the unfolding God intended. I think this was written early in 2007)
Your post most made think of something
my counselor said in my last session. We were discussing my dragging divorce
and why my spouse and I are having such difficulty ending our marriage (believe
me if you saw us at war - you would say what's the problem get on with it. All the anger, hurt, distrust - mostly as a
result of this process). Anyway, my comment to my counselor was "I don't
know why we just don't let go." I am willing to allow him to divorce me,
but he can still call and get to me and I 'get' him right back (of course,
after I have been provoked - wink wink). So my counselor (a christian counselor)
said can you be kinder to him and give him an opening for healing. I promptly
folded my arms, pouted and said "I don't want to!" She laughed, shook
her head "ok, that was the 5-year old answer, now how about answering the
question I asked "Can you?" My eyes filled up with water and I never
answered the question.
The thought of putting myself at risk
with him is a fear like I have never
known. Could I even contemplate a non-defensive vulnerable position with the
STBX? How could she even think such a thing? I thought she must be daft or
insane from listening to me and others like me. Her next instruction was pray
about it - "sometimes God knows what you need better than you do."
Maybe there is a reason this parting causes so much pain??? My point is even if
we think the beginning of our marriage was not ideal or there were
"known" issues once the commitment was made, life was a journey we
were COMMITTED to make together. Is the guilt, misery and loneliness now better
than or just different from what transpired in the marriage that make us
willing to exit? And maybe from the pain and discomfort comes growth.
BTW - I have still not answered my
counselor's question. I have also not been more receptive to not treating my
spouse like the STBX who has wreaked havoc in my life - most of the time I try
to be nice, but conscious that I am handling radioactive material - oops that's
right he is a human being (maybe radioactive is harsh). It is clearly the hardest
decision I have ever had to contemplate. Do I go with the conventional wisdom
of adding him to the "human garbage" heap and seeking greener
pastures? Or do I wait for things to be resolved in God's time and in His way?
Last note: I forget who said it but I
heard it recently – punishing your spouse for adultery in light of current
social mores has ruined so many families. The suggestion was that people need
"healing" more than shunning. What makes someone choose adultery as a
way to solve a problem (we all know it just creates a bigger problem than the
onet hey were trying to run from in the first place). I am not excusing adultery,
but I would ask how many of us born after 1960 have had only one sexual
partner? Get my point? It is the ‘relief’ we seem to seek first, the
false of fleeting intimacy of physical contact.
