Tuesday, December 29, 2009
This was a very interesting article. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/25/AR2009122501440.html
I think this article should be handed to every person before they even consider in engaging with a married or separated person. It's called "Keep a Tiger Out of YOUR Tank'
(and for those who don't want to follow the link - the condensed version:
10 Reasons Not to Date a Married Man
a.k.a He'll NEVER stay that into you
There are no positive reasons for dating a married man. Even the good reasons don't stand the test of time and turn out to be bad ideas in good ideas' clothing. If you find yourself on the brink of temptation, look at these 10 truths before you leap:
1. He won't commit to a future with you. A man who is in a very unhappy or unsatisfying marriage can feel swept away by how wonderful you make him feel. He may even blurt out, "I've never felt this way before and I can see spending the rest of my life with you." This may sound like a commitment to a future with you. It's not. Don't confuse his loving the way you make him feel with his loving you and making a commitment to you.
2. Cheating on his wife tells you how he deals with any situation he doesn't like. You are evidence of his avoiding dealing with unpleasant situations head on. This means that he's likely to resort to some devious behavior with you if the two of you encounter relationship problems.
3. Hiding is exhausting. Having to keep your relationship a secret can attack your self-esteem and cause you to miss out on one of the wonderful aspects of a relationship. Walking together freely and radiantly through the world can fill you with the glow of being with someone who is proud to be with you.
4. He's got his cake and is eating it, too. He has a legitimate married relationship that helps his public persona and he has an illegitimate one with you to make up for what he's missing in his marriage. As appreciative as he sounds, many women who are involved with married men come to resent his having the best of both worlds, when she has the least.
5. Can you love someone who is so disrespectful of his wife? The existence of your relationship with a married man tells you how little he respects his wife by lying to her instead of being a man and telling her he wants out.
6. Lose his respect and it's over. Even though he's the one who pursued you. Even though he's the one that made it difficult to say "No." And even though he tells you how wonderful you are. At some level, he's going to have trouble respecting you for settling for such a flawed relationship. Like the Groucho Marx joke, "He may not want to be of a relationship that would have him as a partner."
7. You're not a home wrecker, just an accomplice. Like it or not, you are a willing participant in a man violating his vows and betraying the trust of his wife -- not to mention grossly disappointing his children and making it difficult for them to see him as a role model.
8. You're kidding yourself. Despite his reassuring you how much you mean to him, his not ending his relationship with his wife in an above-board and respectful way -- and not beginning a legitimate relationship with you -- are actions that speak louder than words.
9. Beware the guilt boomerang. Many men (and women) have difficulty accepting full responsibility for their deceitful actions. Human nature finds it easier to blame than to accept shame. If he is caught by his wife or conscience, don't be surprised if he tries to blame you and get you to take the fall.
10. Time is too precious to waste. Ever notice how quickly the years go as you get older? Because it's convenient and comfortable, a relationship with a married man can go on for a long time -- and before you know it, eat up the precious time you might have had in a healthy relationship with a chance of flourishing. When people who have been involved with married men finally move on, they often regret having wasted the time in a dead-end affair.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Of course, it was just a clipping with no reference to the author or paper from which it was taken. I searched the web to see if I could find me article so that I would have the appropriate references. I have reproduced the article below from the clipping.
The Sermonette-- The Price Of Pure Gold
"... when he had tried me, I shall come forth as gold" (Job 23:10)
No one likes to be tried, tempted, punished, corrected, forced to endure hardship or obliged to struggle very hard mentally or physical in order to survive. We all prefer the easy life, shielded from pain, suffering, hardship and effort of all kinds.
Refining processes leading to perfection are severe. Fire, high temperatures, strong acids, beating, rolling and mixing in various combinations and degrees are necessary in the refining of metals.
But when the crude ores are subjected to the necessary degree of heat the proper acids, sufficient rolling and beating and finally mixed with various alloys-a highly refined and desirable product is the result.
Job perceived that something similar was necessary to transform human personality in the rough, to a degree of refinement and development that might be compared to gold. Metallic ores are not attractive. They are dirty, heavy, crumbly and of little value until after they have undergone the long, complicated process of refinement until, finally, the pure gold or the stainless steel emerges from the unattractive mass. Job developed the insight to see that we all begin life as crude ore and require the fire, the heat, the acid, the beating and the rolling one encounters in life in order that we might eventually "come forth as gold."
Unless one habitually uses his muscles to the point of becoming tired and uncomfortable, he will not develop great strength. Unless he repeats the same movements over and over and learns to endure endless boredom, he will not develop desirable manual and technical skills. It is hard work to think. Most of us avoid it as far as possible. Nevertheless, if we do not think and think hard and continually and to the point of great discomfort, we will not develop much capacity for thinking.
We do not like to undergo hardships but there is no other way to develop strength. We are annoyed when we have to solve problems and bear responsibility but self-reliance and capacity can be attained no other way. We do not like to withstand temptation; it is much easier to yield. But character and integrity are the fruits that ripen slowly on the tree of steadfast self-control.
We are no stronger than the temptations we have overcome; no more self-reliant than the problems we have solved and difficulties we have surmounted. Our skills and never exceed the effort we have put forth to acquire them. Our insights are not greater than efforts we have made to gain them and the imagination we have developed by the steady and continual use of our mind. Our spiritual development is measured by the amount of time we spend reading the scriptures, studying devotional literature and worshiping God.
As gold emerges from the fire and acid, so excellence of character emerges when one refuses to be crushed by the temptations, storms and hardships of life, but seizes, and even welcomes them as the necessary processes through which he must pass in order to bring forth the best there is in him.
One man falls when temptation confronts him while another resists and strengthens his character. One man gives up when accident, illness or misfortune assails, but another mobilizes his determination, his mental and physical resources and, with great effort and persistence, overcomes the obstacle.
We do not like such experiences but we would be pusillanimous weaklings without them.
To fulfill a reasonable portion of one's potential, one must strive mightily, just as one must exert himself in patient toil to gain the summit of a mountain.
Then, welcomed each rebuff
That turns earth smoothness rough
Each sting that bids nor sit nor stand but go!
Be our joys three-parts pain!
Strive, and hold cheap the strain;
Learn, nor account the pang; dare,
Never grudge the throe!
Robert Browning-Rabbi Ben Ezra Stanza 6
Monday, July 13, 2009
Over the last 3 years, I have had many people comment on patience and love for my spouse based on enduring and perseveringin this season of our lives. I have said that my commitment is for our mutual best interest. At times, I have sought to articulate my understanding of my call and my willingness to stand in my convictions. The other day I read this in a book by Gary Thomas:
“…..The most important place you can ever move your husband toward is God. When you consider the eternal benefits and your husband’s spiritual health, nothing else comes close. It’s not an easy battle, nor is there a guaranteed victory – but in the end, it’s a fight worth fighting.”
I don’t think anyone ever told me this explicitly…but I am certain it was modeled for me by the important women in my life. My hope is always that my husband would allow God to guide our marriage and if that failed that at least He would be mutually present in our divorce. To date I have not seen it happen – I can only take on faith that God is a work behind the scenes.
Divorce is an unfortunate thing but it need not be characterized by continuing discord, anger and selfishness. It should be like dividing up a bag of marbles – you place ALL the marbles on the table and proceed. One for you, one for me until it’s all divided up. Depending on the item – it may even be reasonable to say one for you, two for me - until it balances out. There are lots of qualified counselors and lawyers to help with process. And if everyone can come to the table with an understanding that the edifice of the marriage will be dismantled it should be do-able. A spirit of resolution (if not reconciliation) must reign. Must be allowed to reign. There are no winners in this…..
It ‘feels’ awful to have someone take unjustly from you what you have worked for – as if you were only working for their benefit. What foolishness. We worked together to achieve – it was not one-sided then and it should not be one-sided now. And if the effort of building home is so trivial – then relinquish the artifacts of the work. I have never said it was trivial and would not expect someone else to involuntarily forfeit the fruits of their labor. Divorce without settlement is petty and ridiculous. Truly, it is a hurtful and insulting thing.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I do believe, divorce while a painful process can be simple enough. However, like marriage emotional maturity is required. I have said since day 1 - that I would be likely to cry all the way through the proceeding but that I would comply and continue to stand in my values through the process. My position has not changed. I am committed to fairness and wish to seek no inequitable redress for a breached commitment.
I am finding that a spirit of humility and forgiveness - is healing and makes what could be overwhelmingly sad bearable. I am also finding that as a woman - being business savvy is a blessing. Feeling based decisions are seldom in your financial best interest. The statistics show that women are more financially harmed in that it takes them longer to recover financially from a divorce. With that in mind - I would advise women cry if you must, endure the pain but seek and stand firm for an equitable settlement.
As I say God always has a plan. I am beginning to be able to see meaningful purpose coming out of this season. Stay tuned :)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
How come when a stranger steals from you there is outrage - everybody wants the law to prosecute them and send them to jail but when your spouse or some person you may know steals from you - the advice is forgive them, walk away, it's only stuff, you can get more.... hmmm does familiarity or association make a difference? does it change the nature of theft or the thief? hmmm... I wonder......