This
blog has been niggling at the edge of my mind since the beginning of the
month. On Dec 7th we had the
hearing for my estranged husband’s 2nd bifurcation motion. He was a no show (again) so it was an
expensive non-event. The motion was
denied without prejudice.
The
next day I received a copy of my attorney’s letter to my spouse’s
attorney. Standard follow up to the
previous day’s proceedings, however, the last line left me feeling unsettled in
my soul. The last sentence read “….so we
may try to move the case forward.”
Pretty
innocuous, right? However, the reference
to the ‘case’ reminded me of
how the humanity of the spouses is eliminated from the process. It’s just a ‘case’ where both attorneys
seeking to win (even completely trounce) the opposition. Gladiators at battle in the conference and
court room. And when it is over – they
move on to the next case with scarcely a look back at the collateral damage –the
collateral damage being the lives of the spouses living in the aftermath. It also made me very aware that my spouse and
I are simply reduced to litigants with short-term relevance to our
attorneys. Their own lives unchanged by the signing of our decree. Even
more odd, the attorneys are positioned by their role in the divorce to ‘judge’ your
marriage and the other spouse – someone they do not know and in many cases have
never met other than under these circumstances.
Supporting the dehumanization of the spouses.
I
am also struck by the idea that the court or attorneys are tasked to “Move it
along”….if
the spouses are stuck and not moving forward and it is neither a
legal or tactical problem….what’s the point of the attorneys moving it along? They do not in most cases have the needed
skillset to help the stuck spouses move of their own accord. I give credit to the mediators we started out
with – they recognized that neither of us were emotionally ready or committed
to completing the divorce – so after 2 sessions THEY dropped us as
clients. Their team included a lawyer
and an MFT. The goal was to facilitate
an amicable and fair dissolution of our marriage. Divorce does not settle a fight – it facilitates
permanent avoidance and launches another fight.
Now
I have been very clear with my attorney that his role is advisor, and that he
is no way authorized to pursue or encourage an adversarial relationship with my
estranged spouse or my spouse’s attorney.
I am sure I frustrate him a bit, but I am committed to no one but my
estranged spouse and I making the decisions about the dissolution of our
marriage. Because at the end of the day
– the only people living with the life-long effect of the divorce are the
spouses and their children.
If
you know me you know that I am perfectly capable of speaking up and standing up
for myself. I engaged an attorney
because I am not a subject matter expert on family law. But not for one minute did I or do I plan to
abdicate my responsibility for working through this in the manner that is healthiest and financially sane for me. I
will not get caught up by all the chatter or false fight energy that seems to
spring up and out once the word divorce is uttered.
