Thursday, October 20, 2011

It's Still The Wrong Question....

I spoke to someone today who said "you have to accept that he wants a divorce."  I paused to straighten my face because after 6 years of hearing that (and mostly not from him by now) accompanied by absolutely nothing realistic happening toward a divorce - all I can do is laugh and shake my head.  And what does this person think I have done or could do to prevent it?  If he WANTED one - he would have gotten one.  

My dad used to say 'People in hell WANT ice water' - ridiculous - they want it but are without the wherewithal to get it because of the circumstances they chose for themselves. 
And at the end of the day - it's never been about me or our marriage.  It wasn't then and it isn't now.

It becomes clearer and clearer to me at least that there is much external at work to make this happen.  Very unfortunate and pretty ungodly. With all the waiting that external parties have invested in - it seems someone should have asked -"what do you want from or with me?"  And after all this time that question has been answered - whether it was asked or not - the response is clearly 'nothing more than what we have now.'

The question should not be about the divorce of a married couple. Instead of asking why the couple is not divorced and continue to support dissension, discord and estrangement - the question should have ALWAYS been about the desired, hoped for, planned expected future that the onlookers and external parties were 'hoping' and waiting on.  Clarity, commitment or real vision for the future will propel you forward no matter what else is transpiring.  Without that sort of motivation you can very easily slip into simply maintaining the status quo.  

So the question is "What do you want your future to look like?"  That was the approach I took and it has allowed me to move forward so that when all things are resolved I AM already where I want to be or at least on the road to it.

An interesting question from Pastor Byron MacDonald:  "Are you standing in the way of someone's encounter with God?"

This made me think of a few people who say they were just being supportive.  I wonder if they recognize the desire for their own priorities in their offered support.  Was there ever a time to step back and really looking at the consequences they were encouraging with their support?  Maybe the happiness they were encouraging was not what God had planned for the person to get from the circumstances they were in.  And if the support offered sanctioned and encouraged morally offensive behavior - then the answer is clear the only support was for their own agenda.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

It's time to take the sex appeal out of adultery.

It's time to take the sex appeal out of adultery.  Referring to adultery as a ‘love triangle’ allows it to be excused/romanticized as the unfortunate fate of star-crossed lovers.  The reality is that love seldom if ever has anything to do with it.  
They say a picture is worth 1000 words, so rather than continue trying to find words that are not tinged with my feelings about my experience with the subject, here's the picture: 

Monday, October 3, 2011


The other day, someone commented to me that they respected the faithfulness I had to my husband in this season of estrangement and conflict.  And I thought with a chuckle, "That's what you think I'm being faithful to?" It's actually much simpler than that - I simply being faithful and respectful to MY own values, he has far less to do with my choices.  It has to do with how I see myself as a person more than what I expect from my husband in the future.

It must be a hard concept for some - the idea that until you are faithful to yourself you can be faithful to no one else.  That also implies that you have the maturity to know what you value and have enough self-control to practice the standard of conduct that is consistent with your values. 

I respect my values and the beliefs that they are founded upon.  Therefore, acting in accordance with them, although some times challenging, is the goal.   It is about living an authentic and truthful life.  If you have values that you are not comfortable espousing or living something is out of whack - your beliefs or behavior.  The work of life involves bringing those things into harmonious alignment.