Monday, December 10, 2007

A Happy Heart & A Contented Soul

I am a woman with a happy heart and a contented soul. I wake each day and my first coherent thought is "dear Lord. Thank you for your mercies. I am happy, healthy and whole." Things are not resolved; in fact, they are still pretty volatile. Finances are increasingly strained and our obligations weigh heavily on us. We like most married couples have what have what I call "dual income debt."-this means that 2 incomes and a single household are required to effectively service the debt. What stress! Still faith and hardwork will prevail.

It is not inconceivable to me that my spouse believes he married the wrong woman. Perhaps he did, but given how our relationship came to be... I'm certain that's not true. Of course, that’s my opinion as the woman he met at the altar and has been with for over a decade. I find the kind of duplicity that would allow for all of that to be a lie - extremely frightening. Without a third-party, who knows or can ever know how the crisis in our marriage would have unfolded. Maybe it wouldn't have worked, maybe we would have grown together and resolved the issues that plagued us. Who will ever really know?

One of my angels (a woman showed up in my life as if on appointment from God) told me that you can withstand any thing as long as you stand in your own values. This helps me filter out all the chatter from others about what I should do about the status of my marriage.

Nothing has changed there is still an energy draining anguish that dominates my day when I try to force my husband to proceed with our divorce. On days when I am focused on what is important to me - spending time with people I love, helping clients who appreciate me and taking care of my own physical and mental well-being -my energy feels right. It is the one foot in front of the other in the direction of my goal. I work hard at the activities that will get me where I want to go.

When I pray, I don't pray for a specific outcome. I pray for a willingness to be obedient and to accept with thanksgiving the outcome. As I close my eyes at the end of each day-I thank God for the opportunities, lessons and successes of that day.