Divorce - An Act of Violence

Last Sunday, as part of his sermon, my Pastor referred to divorce as an act of violence.  And it can be – emotionally violent.  The level of hostility coming from my STBX has diminished over the years only due to reduced contact between us.  If marriage requires maturity and forgiveness, divorce requires a double portion of both maturity and forgiveness.  Too often divorce is a way to win a fight, rather than to peaceably part ways.  The sad truth is there is no fight to win.

In a previous post, I affirmed that despite my STBX’s belligerence and the divorce mongering of certain people that there would be no divorce war here.  I have held my ground on that.  I have tried to stay focused on only the transactional aspect of this proceeding.  Yet, he still wishes me dead, continues the name-calling and refuses to comply with the court-defined process.

It seems he still thinks that someone needs to be right and someone (me) needs to be WRONG.  After 6 years, my feeling is who cares – it changes nothing and therefore does not matter.  The division on our assets and debts is a simple transactional matter.

I could CHOOSE to carry feelings of resentment, betrayal and disappointment, but those are the creations of my STBX’s baggage.  I CHOOSE not to be a porter for them.  I CHOOSE not to contribute to the emotional violence that can be part of a divorce proceeding.  I CHOOSE to be happy and at peace with life as it unfolds.

It has been 6+ years and things will FINALLY be resolved.  The court dismissed my spouse’s petition because California has a law saying it must be cancelled if it has not been resolved in 5 years.  I immediately went downstairs after the hearing and refiled.  This is a good thing because the petitioner controls the process.  Moreover, as a competent adult, I am certain that this will be wrapped up in short order.

One of the most important lessons I have learned in this season is PATIENCE.  I have learned to sit and wait for God's timing.  The world will create false urgencies at it's whims.  I could have found myself tossed about with priorities and causation changing weekly.  Instead, I have developed a habit of waiting, taking the time to consider the consquences, consider the urgency to act and the cost/benfit of waiting. 

My life has not been frantic or chaotic and for that I am grateful.  I have not lived with angst and longing.  I have, fortunately, lived with a curiosity and earnest interest in seeing how this story will unfold based on the choices of obedience and willful disregard.  Good yields good, and the other always returns ashes.

I can wait for the good outcome.

A Brand New Day

This was one of those mornings where I realize why I really love morning.  It is because no matter what happened yesterday, it is over and done. Today is a brand-new day.  A brand new day full of opportunities to do things new, better, right, whatever.  What a great opportunity!  I have been training myself to wake up with words of praise on my mind.  I have my alarms set to Alvin Slaughter, Mandisa and Israel Houghton (yes I need 3 alarms or so to get myself fully awake and ready for the day LOL!).  On this glorious new morning I am sitting at my desk looking at sunshine, listening to Charles Stanley’s daily radio message and feeling totally psyched as I prepare my task list for the day.

Today --I believe I see the light at the end of the tunnel and feel assured that it is not an oncoming train.  Yesterday, I appeared in court in pro per for the first time.  I was a little anxious but continuing to pay for representation on a case that was not moving simply not only made no sense it would have been outright foolish.  So I prepared myself and showed up to prevent the injustice that a bifurcation would have rendered in my life.  The motion was dismissed.  Thank you Jesus!  Perhaps now we can move forward with real resolution.

The level of animosity emanating from my long estranged spouse has still not dissipated to something that allows successful resolution of our divorce.  I have no answers as to why, but I am at truly peace that it is not my concern.  Last night I realized that the appearance had left me emotionally exhausted and feeling ganged up on by my spouse, his mistress (she was present in court) and his attorney.  For some reason, the only solution they seem to be able to comprehend is one in which I make all the sacrifices or sustain the majority of the economic loss.  And that somehow ‘beating me’= winning.  I continue to say this is not a fight and there are no winners.  It is a business transaction about debts and assets.  Nothing more - especially after 6 years.

I don’t fault attorneys - they seemed to be geared mostly to ‘fight’and 'win'.  I prefer mediation which is more focused on problem-solving without leaving either party feeling beaten or brutalized.  It is a much healthier option.  I am hopeful that after yesterday we will be able to return to mediation and finally wrap this up.

He's married, but........

--> (Disclaimer – this is not applicable to all circumstances – each case is individual.  Just sharing my thoughts and observations – I am not the DEFINITIVE authority on this topic.)

A friend and I were talking about adultery and she mentioned that it seems that women seem more angry with the other woman than they are with the errant husband.  I agreed that it does appear unfair to blame the other woman more than the man.  I also agreed that it does seem women are blamed and judged more harshly by the wife and other women for their involvement in adultery.  Shortly after this conversation, I had an experience that caused me to reflect on this difference in blame.

I was having a conversation with a handsome gentleman who seemed interested in more than a ‘hook up’.  In the course of the conversation, he asked if I was single, being truthful I responded that I was “married but that we have been separated for a number of years.”  He vanished so fast I thought he had been a hallucination.  Clearly, ‘married’ was the stop sign no matter what the quality or state of the marriage. 

The man made no evaluation about the quality or state of my marriage.  There were no probing questions about when or if I was going to be single.  There was no interpretation or analysis – it was simple.  Married = Stop. End Approach. Period.

I thought about that and my observation was that men seem more often to acknowledge 'married' as a HARD Stop and some women (usually the ones that end up involved with married men long term or as a pattern) take it as a SOFT Stop. 

As I reflected on it I realized that you often hear women say “He was married, BUT….

·       he was unhappy with her, I make him happy

·       he was planning to divorce her anyway

·       he wasn’t in love with her

·       he said his wife didn't do this, that or the other

·       he’s my soulmate, she made him marry her

And any number of other meaningless justifications for their own lack of self-respect and integrity in order to give themselves license to run the STOP SIGN that marriage is supposed to represent. 

Women justify and excuse their selfish and wreckless behavior, citing that the married man is guilty too.  They frequently cite “well he’s the one who made the commitment” and so he is, but what does that have to do with her willingness to actively participate in adultery?  Would she smoke crack just because he did or he asked her to?  ‘No Thank You’ is an acceptable response to any invitation. 

Perhaps they are judged harshly for their disregard of their own integrity, for their own failure to recognize that he has no more regard for her than he does for anyone else, in fact less regard since he has invited her to a wholly inappropriate relationship.    Even worse is when she is the one initiating, pursuing and facilitating the relationship.  And I am learning this happens A LOT.

It is an individual choice to engage in behavior that is destructive in another woman's life.  I think blame for women who willingly and knowingly engage with married men is the acknowledgement that the choice to be involved with another woman’s husband is borne of coveting, jealousy and desperation.  A woman involved with a married man positions herself to be in (false) competition with his wife.  It’s petty and small.  It creates chaos in the lives of people who have done nothing to her. 

Avoid the blame – wait (without engagement or involvement) until the divorce decree is signed.  Do not judge the quality of his marriage, the character or any other attribute of his WIFE.  Married = Stop. End Approach. Period.

The Balcony is Open

Enjoying my balcony.  Working a little.  And acutely aware of the praise that is rising from the depths of my soul.  When I try to pinpoint the source of my joy - it becomes fuzzy.  There are good things happening, there are challenging things coming.  Perhaps it's just that at this stage of my life I know with comfort and contentment that God has a plan and makes a way.  And that obedience is a little thing.

Recently, I was reunited with some childhood friends.  It is such a blessing.  I am so grateful for them in my life again.  Such a wonderful and unexpected gift.

I find my mind fresh with simple memories - while getting a manicure this morning I suddenly changed my mind and switched from french to a sassy red polish.  When the manicurist finished I looked at my hands and remembered vividly my mother's hands and was warmed by the memories of her.  She is still missed - but oh how the memories make me smile.

I am blessed to have friends/cousins who support me in my walk - and tap or thump me when I decide to dance to close to the fire.  I am grateful.  And there is my work - I am fortunate to enjoy what I do.  Speaking of work - I must get back to it.

Be blessed and enjoy Easter.  I am always overwhelmed by the mere thought of HIS sacrifice.

Strength Will Rise

(Written February 2012)

I observed something interesting in the last few weeks.  I was thinking about the seeming ridicule and derision of wives who are said to stand by their man in the face of infidelity or other wrongdoing.  This is very common in the face of infidelity and the more public the more thoughtless the comments about the wife. 

I wondered if anyone ever considered that standing by your man is not an act of weakness but of strength and responsibility.  A wife is not a girlfriend.  Girlfriends are for the casual good times.  Wives are for better or worse.  A wife is charged with caring for her husband and infidelity is an indication of spiritual and moral crisis.  A wife’s responsibility includes care/concern for his soul.  Loss of integrity and respect are soul damaging.  What happens when all the drama and attention dies down is what matters…..

No matter the outcome of the marriage as a result of the betrayal – it is foolish of the ego and the drama mongering public to believe that a wife standing by a fallen husband’s side is doing anything less than deliberately demonstrating unconditional love and forgiveness.  It does not mean she is not hurt, angry, embarrassed for him, it does not mean that correction is not required – it may simply mean that the integrity of her word is bigger than her pride and the belittling comments of outsiders.

what's gon' be will be

Written February 6, 2011

I have not posted to this blog in a long time.  It seems the time just goes so quickly.  I have noted that while the past for years has passed quickly casual observers inform of how long this is taking and that in fact it is taking too long.  My question is too long for whom?  Was there an urgency that I missed the memo on?  It seems that getting it right is more important than expedience.

It is a new season for me.  And God is still in the mix.  I still believe He has a plan for my life.  My friend Herb says, 'Deb, what's gon' be will be”   I agree.  So what's the point of getting worked up and creating more drama.   Someone else said 'but don't you want to be free of the pain and the sadness?'  LOL – life will always be a mixture of joy and pain.  I can appreciate them both.  And if after 5 years the pain of an old event or circumstance still felt the same then I would know that I am not doing the work intended or needed.  It is what it is....

I am sitting here in the airport – thinking how quickly I can adapt to a new routine.  It is almost 6am on a Sunday morning and my new routine has begun.  Pick up for LAX at 4:30, all day flight to Canada. Four days of work on a great project with great people and then home for 2 days.  I am happy to be away from the drama here.  That's right, it continues.  I am central to it – without being in it.  That seems silly to me. 

Time has past for me, filled with living and doing.  I realized the other day – I laugh a lot!   I find such happiness in the small thing and my outlook on life has remained very positive.  Probably too positive for some.

To those observing and enjoying the drama of my husband's long term affair – they offer needless pity.  I recognize that my husband wanted the benefits of marriage without the accountability, work and sacrifice.  He found that in his relationship with his mistress – no real sacrifice required.    would have liked him to be a better person – but who we choose to be is an individual choice.  She has been  accommodating in the straddle he chose – no sacrifice required.  I could hate him but that would be a waste of time.  I could feel contempt for her as well, but at this point she has my pity.  It has been a long wait.

Redemption

Written 12-6-2007

This been a very interesting topic.  I understand how Ejimofor could view the group this way.  Our focus is usually on helping each other understand and come to terms with the pain, grief and harsh realities of the marital crises and divorces we are living through.  And it does come across clearly that for many the objective is to move on and at some point find a new spouse or partner to share our lives with... learning to love and trust again. (Not necessarily finding them on this site, but finding a replacement for our current or recent spouse at some point.)


It's interesting yesterday, Dr. Phil had a young couple on his show, who had managed to make a complete mockery of their marriage.  Lots of infidelity and verbal abuse, all the result of immaturity and unsurrendered hearts.  Dr. Phil listened to this couple and stated  "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior".  He encouraged this couple to forego reconciliation until the husband had made some real effort to come to terms with his issues and behaviors.  Dr. Phil did not hold out much hope that this man would ever be able to grow and change into a successful and effective husband.  Interestingly, the other guest on the panel was Bishop TD  Jakes.  And at the end of this show he said something that I don't think we discuss much in this group.  He made clear that he has a deep belief in the redemptive power of submitting your life to God.  He thought the husband was a hard case and would have a long road to travel but he still said, “All things are possible with God”.

I know in my case, I came to accept that without my husband's reconciliation to God there can be no reconciliation in our marriage.  Will this happen?  Who knows?
So the question becomes, how do you not encourage divorce in your own marriage and allow God to work in not only your life but your spouse 's life as well?  The pain and disappointment that can come from someone's unrepentant heart can be so overwhelming.

As I thought about this I've made some decisions.  I have always said that I will not divorce my husband.  He is free to divorce me and I will comply with his initiatives.   In the meantime, I have taken residence/space away from him so that I can be healthy.  I have built a life for myself that makes me happy.   The only thing I'm not doing at this time that a divorce would allow is “dating”.  There is still some stress and financial burden from the current status of our marriage, but I'm going to learn to live with that for the time being.   There is no real rush.

I have also concluded that if my spouse's mistress would like him to be free to be married to her they can pay for it and bear the inconvenience of it.  (It'll be their first adult project, because dating and sneaking around is kids play).  I am not going to inconvenience myself or create additional financial hardship (excess attorney fees, etc..) to relieve my husband of his responsibility for completing the divorce he requested.   Believe me, this is a hard position to hold.  On almost a daily basis.  I get encouragement from some to just let him go, take leadership and finish the divorce blah, blah, blah  The truth is I am not holding him - he can release himself at any time by taking responsibility for completing our divorce.   (Of course, there are older, married women who regularly tell me  "Do not divorce your husband.  Allow him to divorce you, if he will.  But you do nothing except wait on the Lord").

Now reconciliation is a whole 'nother matter and not  a subject that I have to give any consideration to at this time.  I am sure that in the end, if reconciliation is the way that our marriage story is authored by God, He will give me the heart, mind and will to forgive and trust my spouse again.  If my husband follows through and actually completes our divorce, I am also certain that God will give me the heart, mind and will to move through my life. - Happy, Whole and Complete (with or without a new spouse).
I know that the circumstances for each of us in this group are unique and intensely personal.  All I can say is that maybe there is something worth thinking about in Ejimofor's message.  Maybe it's about trusting that God has a plan and that things will be worked out in His time.  Maybe it's asking " Are we waiting patiently for God to work on our marriage or are we trying to help God by proceeding with a divorce?"  (Forgetting that God does not need our help.)  Are we cheating ourselves and our spouses out an opportunity for spiritual growth?  You can’t go back, but who knows what forward looks like?  And who knows how long it should take?

Maybe our society has made such a mess of marriage that the degree of hardship and pain that a couple must endure to make it to "death to do us part" is more than any of us ever anticipated. Life has no guarantees.   Maybe it's time to start a new movement to save marriage and live it as God designed.   All I can say is I trust that we  continue to pray and allow God to let things unfold in our lives.

Being part of this group has been such a blessing in my life.  When I hear other people's story, all I wish is that God’s grace will sustain you and give you peace.

There is No War Here

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

- Casting Crowns - Praise You In This Storm Lyrics

I continue to be awed by way God guided me through these circumstances.  I was speaking with an old friend who had been through similar circumstances and she noted how composed and resolved I seem.  All I could say was that it was knowing God and knowing that what transpired – the way it transpired had nothing to do with me or our marriage.  That’s not to say that I was perfect in my marriage – it is simply to say that the way my spouse chose to deal the challenges we were facing - resides ONLY with him.  I could have responded to the challenges in our marriage the same way – I CHOSE NOT TO – I chose to honor my vows and be loyal and steadfast.

My spouse’s mistress seems to not get that – she has commented that she has been made a scapegoat for the issues ‘I created in my marriage’ [wait a minute I have to stop writing until I finish laughing].  Whew! that idea still cracks me up - as if she would have any REAL insight as to what transpired or was transpiring in our marriage.  She knew and knows only what she wants to believe in pursuit and sustenance of her relationship with my husband.  Anyway, I won’t digress to further comment on her foolishness.

My observation of late has been that over the years, I have been unwilling (or unable) to wage a full-scale retaliatory divorce WAR against my offending spouse.  I have refused and will continue to refuse to be angry, punitive and otherwise negative.  I refuse to give residence in my spirit and in my life to the negativity that required to wage a war .  I concluded that this situation can and must be resolved peacefully and equitably. 

I chose not to wage war because in healing and moving forward there was no room to carry the anger or bitterness needed ‘to get even’.  I also realized that in the end the truth is always “A man who finds a wife, finds a good thing” and if that man chooses to give up his wife – a wiser man will value and appreciate me for my goodness and forgive me for my flaws.  Lastly, I know with certainty that in the end God will be glorified.  (At some point I had to acknowledge that the level of determination and commitment of external ‘others’ to the dissolution of our marriage was and is surreal.  I have never seen anything like it – not even on Lifetime.)  Plus my new life continues to be a blessing and a joy.

I also decided that I would not make rash emotional decisions.  I sat with my feelings for a bit worked with a Christian counselor and then proceeded to take a pragmatic approach about the details and needed outcomes.  I acknowledged that the only urgency for resolution was coming from external people who are out of place for their involvement in ANY way, shape or form.  I affirmed that God always has a plan and HE has neither requested nor requires my help.  As long as any resolution I encouraged did not interfere with God’s plan – I have been able to be patient and pray that I will be able to continue to be patient.  HE is making it easy for me – I am swamped with so many other things.

I have held the position of ‘I love you (unconditionally as a human being) and I want for you what you want for yourself’.  Meaning that if divorce is what you want – I will not seek to dissuade you.  I will, however, stand in full recognition that a man who has compromised his integrity via infidelity is also very likely to betray me financially.  So, I proceeded with the caution of some who knows the risk inherent in dealing with someone seeking to escape his problems and avoid accountability. 

My spouse is still waging a WAR – it is a war of angry words and destructive time-wasting.  It is an unnecessary war.  I suppose he and his comrades need a common enemy (me) and the amusement that they get from the drama.  The truth is he has no enemy in me – I am a pacifist armed only with a clear mind and the intent of doing what is in our mutual best interest.  I pray that one day he can acknowledge that and join me for peaceful resolution.  I continue to pray and stand on God’s word for choosing my own conduct. 

It's Unfortunate

This is another old post from early in this season, probably 2007 or so.  It is from a post to a Divorce Recovery Group where someone asked the question:

When is divorce ok?

I feel you. And in some ways I feel the same - our problems were not in meeting each other companionship and connectedness needs (we had a blast together), but have very different ways of dealing with the adult realities of life. I think as long as there is connection there is always the opportunity for reconciliation (now DESIRE for reconciliation is another matter). And it's good if the feelings are raw and unhidden - buried emotions don't ever stay buried do they? And it's got to be way tougher with kids. We don't have kids - which is another issue (someone said recently a marriage without children is not a real marriage - I disagree.) I am at least beyond the tears, but it is very difficult. I just keep remembering God has a plan. I do take some comfort in that I am not willing to say I wanted this divorce or think that it is for the best - I simply say it is 'unfortunate' that for whatever reason we could not work things out. If my spouse's free will and disobedience gets us to divorce - so be it. Keep your head up.  Cry when you need to, be kind to yourself.

Refinement - The Sermonette-- The Price Of Pure Gold

I came across many Bibles as we were cleaning out my dad' s house. The article below fell out of one of them. It was very yellowed and crumpled, but someone obviously thought it was worth saving. So I stopped my packing for a moment and read it. I was very touched by the message and it made me think of how we are so conditioned to believe that life is supposed to be one joyous ride with never a trial. As I finished the article I realized, some of our most important lessons come from the things that cut us to the core.

Of course, it was just a clipping with no reference to the author or paper from which it was taken. I searched the web to see if I could find me article so that I would have the appropriate references. I have reproduced the article below from the clipping.

The Sermonette-- The Price Of Pure Gold

"... when he had tried me, I shall come forth as gold" (Job 23:10)

No one likes to be tried, tempted, punished, corrected, forced to endure hardship or obliged to struggle very hard mentally or physical in order to survive. We all prefer the easy life, shielded from pain, suffering, hardship and effort of all kinds.

Refining processes leading to perfection are severe. Fire, high temperatures, strong acids, beating, rolling and mixing in various combinations and degrees are necessary in the refining of metals.

But when the crude ores are subjected to the necessary degree of heat the proper acids, sufficient rolling and beating and finally mixed with various alloys-a highly refined and desirable product is the result.

Job perceived that something similar was necessary to transform human personality in the rough, to a degree of refinement and development that might be compared to gold. Metallic ores are not attractive. They are dirty, heavy, crumbly and of little value until after they have undergone the long, complicated process of refinement until, finally, the pure gold or the stainless steel emerges from the unattractive mass. Job developed the insight to see that we all begin life as crude ore and require the fire, the heat, the acid, the beating and the rolling one encounters in life in order that we might eventually "come forth as gold."

Unless one habitually uses his muscles to the point of becoming tired and uncomfortable, he will not develop great strength. Unless he repeats the same movements over and over and learns to endure endless boredom, he will not develop desirable manual and technical skills. It is hard work to think. Most of us avoid it as far as possible. Nevertheless, if we do not think and think hard and continually and to the point of great discomfort, we will not develop much capacity for thinking.

We do not like to undergo hardships but there is no other way to develop strength. We are annoyed when we have to solve problems and bear responsibility but self-reliance and capacity can be attained no other way. We do not like to withstand temptation; it is much easier to yield. But character and integrity are the fruits that ripen slowly on the tree of steadfast self-control.

We are no stronger than the temptations we have overcome; no more self-reliant than the problems we have solved and difficulties we have surmounted. Our skills and never exceed the effort we have put forth to acquire them. Our insights are not greater than efforts we have made to gain them and the imagination we have developed by the steady and continual use of our mind. Our spiritual development is measured by the amount of time we spend reading the scriptures, studying devotional literature and worshiping God.

As gold emerges from the fire and acid, so excellence of character emerges when one refuses to be crushed by the temptations, storms and hardships of life, but seizes, and even welcomes them as the necessary processes through which he must pass in order to bring forth the best there is in him.

One man falls when temptation confronts him while another resists and strengthens his character. One man gives up when accident, illness or misfortune assails, but another mobilizes his determination, his mental and physical resources and, with great effort and persistence, overcomes the obstacle.

We do not like such experiences but we would be pusillanimous weaklings without them.

To fulfill a reasonable portion of one's potential, one must strive mightily, just as one must exert himself in patient toil to gain the summit of a mountain.

Then, welcomed each rebuff
That turns earth smoothness rough
Each sting that bids nor sit nor stand but go!
Be our joys three-parts pain!
Strive, and hold cheap the strain;
Learn, nor account the pang; dare,
Never grudge the throe!

Robert Browning-Rabbi Ben Ezra Stanza 6

It just struck me as funny.

It just struck me as funny. 

I am proud of myself for my capacity to still want peace and resolution and WANT what is best for my estranged spouse. 

And my estranged spouse is proud of himself for his intentional disregard, disdain and disrespect of me.


Such different frames of reference.

Forgiveness 1

(Another old post - I held onto some of them because publishing them at the time may have colored events that I was trying to let unfold without interference or influence from any agenda that may not have been the unfolding God intended.  I think this was written early in 2007)

Your post most made think of something my counselor said in my last session. We were discussing my dragging divorce and why my spouse and I are having such difficulty ending our marriage (believe me if you saw us at war - you would say what's the problem get on with it.  All the anger, hurt, distrust - mostly as a result of this process). Anyway, my comment to my counselor was "I don't know why we just don't let go." I am willing to allow him to divorce me, but he can still call and get to me and I 'get' him right back (of course, after I have been provoked - wink wink). So my counselor (a christian counselor) said can you be kinder to him and give him an opening for healing. I promptly folded my arms, pouted and said "I don't want to!" She laughed, shook her head "ok, that was the 5-year old answer, now how about answering the question I asked "Can you?" My eyes filled up with water and I never answered the question.

The thought of putting myself at risk with him is a fear like I  have never known. Could I even contemplate a non-defensive vulnerable position with the STBX? How could she even think such a thing? I thought she must be daft or insane from listening to me and others like me. Her next instruction was pray about it - "sometimes God knows what you need better than you do." Maybe there is a reason this parting causes so much pain??? My point is even if we think the beginning of our marriage was not ideal or there were "known" issues once the commitment was made, life was a journey we were COMMITTED to make together. Is the guilt, misery and loneliness now better than or just different from what transpired in the marriage that make us willing to exit? And maybe from the pain and discomfort comes growth.

BTW - I have still not answered my counselor's question. I have also not been more receptive to not treating my spouse like the STBX who has wreaked havoc in my life - most of the time I try to be nice, but conscious that I am handling radioactive material - oops that's right he is a human being (maybe radioactive is harsh). It is clearly the hardest decision I have ever had to contemplate. Do I go with the conventional wisdom of adding him to the "human garbage" heap and seeking greener pastures? Or do I wait for things to be resolved in God's time and in His way?

Last note: I forget who said it but I heard it recently – punishing your spouse for adultery in light of current social mores has ruined so many families. The suggestion was that people need "healing" more than shunning. What makes someone choose adultery as a way to solve a problem (we all know it just creates a bigger problem than the onet hey were trying to run from in the first place). I am not excusing adultery, but I would ask how many of us born after 1960 have had only one sexual partner?  Get my point?  It is the ‘relief’ we seem to seek first, the false of fleeting intimacy of physical contact.