Monday, July 13, 2009

I suppose it is a call....

Over the last 3 years, I have had many people comment on patience and love for my spouse based on enduring and perseveringin this season of our lives. I have said that my commitment is for our mutual best interest. At times, I have sought to articulate my understanding of my call and my willingness to stand in my convictions. The other day I read this in a book by Gary Thomas:

“…..The most important place you can ever move your husband toward is God. When you consider the eternal benefits and your husband’s spiritual health, nothing else comes close. It’s not an easy battle, nor is there a guaranteed victory – but in the end, it’s a fight worth fighting.”

I don’t think anyone ever told me this explicitly…but I am certain it was modeled for me by the important women in my life. My hope is always that my husband would allow God to guide our marriage and if that failed that at least He would be mutually present in our divorce. To date I have not seen it happen – I can only take on faith that God is a work behind the scenes.

Divorce is an unfortunate thing but it need not be characterized by continuing discord, anger and selfishness. It should be like dividing up a bag of marbles – you place ALL the marbles on the table and proceed. One for you, one for me until it’s all divided up. Depending on the item – it may even be reasonable to say one for you, two for me - until it balances out. There are lots of qualified counselors and lawyers to help with process. And if everyone can come to the table with an understanding that the edifice of the marriage will be dismantled it should be do-able. A spirit of resolution (if not reconciliation) must reign. Must be allowed to reign. There are no winners in this…..

It ‘feels’ awful to have someone take unjustly from you what you have worked for – as if you were only working for their benefit. What foolishness. We worked together to achieve – it was not one-sided then and it should not be one-sided now. And if the effort of building home is so trivial – then relinquish the artifacts of the work. I have never said it was trivial and would not expect someone else to involuntarily forfeit the fruits of their labor. Divorce without settlement is petty and ridiculous. Truly, it is a hurtful and insulting thing.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


These are interesting times to say the least. My entries on this blog has been about my observations about God's hand and handi-work in this season of my life. It is fast approaching the 3rd anniversary of my separation from my spouse. I have thought about how the choices of the heart can cause one to mock God and marriage. I am learning how that same spirit of confusion and disobedience can lead a person to mock divorce and the courts as well. (After being separated this long bifurcation is a ridiculous option - it is a marital status only resolution - they declare you single while you must continue to work through settlement with an ex-spouse. There is no point - cut all ties at once.)

I do believe, divorce while a painful process can be simple enough. However, like marriage emotional maturity is required. I have said since day 1 - that I would be likely to cry all the way through the proceeding but that I would comply and continue to stand in my values through the process. My position has not changed. I am committed to fairness and wish to seek no inequitable redress for a breached commitment.

I am finding that a spirit of humility and forgiveness - is healing and makes what could be overwhelmingly sad bearable. I am also finding that as a woman - being business savvy is a blessing. Feeling based decisions are seldom in your financial best interest. The statistics show that women are more financially harmed in that it takes them longer to recover financially from a divorce. With that in mind - I would advise women cry if you must, endure the pain but seek and stand firm for an equitable settlement.

As I say God always has a plan. I am beginning to be able to see meaningful purpose coming out of this season. Stay tuned :)