--> (Disclaimer – this is not applicable to all circumstances – each case is individual. Just sharing my thoughts and observations – I am not the DEFINITIVE authority on this topic.)
A friend and I were talking about
adultery and she mentioned that it seems that women seem more
angry with the other woman than they are with the errant husband. I agreed that it does appear unfair to blame
the other woman more than the man. I
also agreed that it does seem women are blamed and judged
more harshly by the wife and other women for their involvement in adultery. Shortly after this conversation, I had an
experience that caused me to reflect on this difference in blame.
I was having a conversation with
a handsome gentleman who seemed interested in more than
a ‘hook up’. In the course of the
conversation, he asked if I was single, being truthful I responded that I was
“married but that we have been separated for a number of years.” He vanished so fast I thought he had been a
hallucination. Clearly, ‘married’ was
the stop sign no matter what the quality or state of the marriage.
The man made no evaluation about the quality
or state of my marriage. There were no
probing questions about when or if I was going to be single. There was no interpretation or analysis – it
was simple. Married = Stop. End Approach. Period.
I thought about that and my observation was that men seem more
often to acknowledge 'married' as a HARD Stop and
some women (usually the ones that end up involved with married men long term or
as a pattern) take it as a SOFT Stop.
As I
reflected on it I realized that you often hear women
say “He was married, BUT….
·
he was unhappy with her, I
make him happy
·
he was planning to divorce
her anyway
·
he wasn’t in love with her
·
he said his wife didn't do
this, that or the other
·
he’s my soulmate, she made him marry her
And any
number of other meaningless justifications for their own lack of self-respect
and integrity in order to give themselves license to run the STOP SIGN that
marriage is supposed to represent.
Women justify and excuse their
selfish and wreckless behavior, citing that the
married man is guilty too. They
frequently cite “well he’s the one who made the commitment” and so he is, but
what does that have to do with her willingness to actively
participate in adultery? Would
she smoke crack just because he did or he asked her to? ‘No Thank You’ is an acceptable response to
any invitation.
Perhaps they are judged
harshly for their disregard of their own integrity, for their own failure to recognize
that he has no more regard for her than he does for anyone else, in fact less
regard since he has invited her to a wholly inappropriate relationship. Even worse is
when she is the one initiating, pursuing and facilitating the
relationship. And
I am learning this happens A LOT.
It is an individual choice to
engage in behavior that is destructive in another woman's life. I think blame for women who willingly and
knowingly engage with married men is the acknowledgement that the choice to be involved
with another woman’s husband is borne of coveting, jealousy and
desperation. A woman involved with a
married man positions herself to be in (false) competition with his wife. It’s petty and
small. It creates chaos in the lives of
people who have done nothing to her.
Avoid the blame – wait (without engagement or involvement)
until the divorce decree is signed. Do
not judge the quality of his marriage, the character or any other attribute of
his WIFE. Married = Stop. End Approach. Period.
