And the Wife Said….”Seek God, Seek Counseling, Find a hobby that you enjoy.”

I haven't written for this blog in quite some time, I have been fairly busy.  Life has been unfolding in miraculous and fabulous ways.  I have had so many blessings in this season I cannot count them.  So while it may seem that the ongoing drama of marital strife should have colored my days with nothing but sadness and pain, God gave to me an opportunity to grow closer to him and more free time to be of service to others.

It sounds crazy to say that it has been very near 6 years since this madness started.  Yet in August 2011, it will be 6 years since I moved out of the home that I shared with my husband.  And still we are not divorced nor are we successfully separated and moving toward divorce or reconciliation.

For my part, I determined long ago that my priority was honoring my own values and protecting my financial interests.  I have sought legal remedy with great expense and little success.  At some point I concluded, that dragging a man through a divorce was no more likely than dragging one to the altar.  So I turned my energy and interest to living the best life that I could make for myself and allowing God to have his way in my marriage and my husband's life.

And I guess that's where I pick up this blog.  I recall my response to my husband when he informed me that he was unhappy.  Of course, I asked the standard question ‘What is making you unhappy?”  I had a sincere desire to know.  Because clearly, if there were things in my behavior that were making our home contentious and unproductive I was willing to confront them directly and make appropriate corrections since my objective was a happy and peaceful home.  It turns out it was not my cooking, my housekeeping, my attitude and availability for sex, personal hygiene, my financial habits nor work ethic.  His response was more general malaise.  It's very difficult to solve a nonspecific problem so my response was simple I said "Seek God, Seek counseling, find a hobby that you enjoy."   

In 6 years, that's 2160 days, we have not been able to find a way of successfully resolving these circumstances.  But my most interesting observation of late is to note that over the years my husband rationale for ending our marriage has gone from “I'm just not happy” to:

•  I ended our marriage because I couldn't stand to be married to you Debra because you're horrible (translation à it’s your fault I could not honor MY vows)

• I can't divorce you because Debra your horrible and crazy (translation  there is something wrong with you because you will not agree to let ME screw you over financially – lol)

• I'm going to ignore you and pretend the situation doesn't exist because Debra you're horrible (translation –- I am still having a good time with my mistress and she doesn’t care that I am still married, so I don’t have to clean up my mess)

I almost have to chuckle at the revisionist rationalization of it all.  And my response today is the same as it was 6 years ago “Seek God, Seek counseling, find a hobby that you enjoy.”

Now of course in the 6 years my estranged spouse has had his cheerleaders and fans that from their own self-interests have supported and encouraged his behavior.  These range from the mistress (holding on to be next) to friends simply entertained by the drama of it all.  These consorts knowingly or unintentionally have indulged and supported him in leaving his marital circumstances unresolved.  

The mistress seems oblivious or unwilling to recognize that what keeps him from completing his divorce is her consistent availability.  Yep she’s been around 6 years or longer – talk about determination and dedication to a cause (but that’s another blog).  If my estranged spouse had to establish his romantic market value (RMV) as a truly single man to have female companionship it is likely that he would have completed our divorce.  Instead of helping a man to stand and take care of real business, the mistress' invitation to “Come lay up in my love hangover” helps him avoid resolution.  She’s her own worst enemy.  It reminds me of the kind of mom who let you go outside to play while your room is still dirty while she ignores your mess and responsibility for cleaning it up.  It also reminds me of the difference between WOMEN and mere females.

And my response today is the same as it was 6 years ago ‘Seek God, Seek counseling, find a hobby that you enjoy”.  And of course, clean up your mess.

It is time to get really 'REAL'

I haven't published much to my blog lately. The drama factor is old. Today I am just sharing to articles that I came across separately that I thought should have been published together. The destruction of families has produced such ills and destruction in our society. Anyway, so as to not start on my dissertation, here are the 2 articles:

This was a very interesting article. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/25/AR2009122501440.html

I think this article should be handed to every person before they even consider in engaging with a married or separated person. It's called "Keep a Tiger Out of YOUR Tank'

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-goulston-md/just-listen----keep-a-tig_b_402102.html

(and for those who don't want to follow the link - the condensed version:
10 Reasons Not to Date a Married Man
a.k.a He'll NEVER stay that into you
There are no positive reasons for dating a married man. Even the good reasons don't stand the test of time and turn out to be bad ideas in good ideas' clothing. If you find yourself on the brink of temptation, look at these 10 truths before you leap:
1. He won't commit to a future with you. A man who is in a very unhappy or unsatisfying marriage can feel swept away by how wonderful you make him feel. He may even blurt out, "I've never felt this way before and I can see spending the rest of my life with you." This may sound like a commitment to a future with you. It's not. Don't confuse his loving the way you make him feel with his loving you and making a commitment to you.
2. Cheating on his wife tells you how he deals with any situation he doesn't like. You are evidence of his avoiding dealing with unpleasant situations head on. This means that he's likely to resort to some devious behavior with you if the two of you encounter relationship problems.
3. Hiding is exhausting. Having to keep your relationship a secret can attack your self-esteem and cause you to miss out on one of the wonderful aspects of a relationship. Walking together freely and radiantly through the world can fill you with the glow of being with someone who is proud to be with you.
4. He's got his cake and is eating it, too. He has a legitimate married relationship that helps his public persona and he has an illegitimate one with you to make up for what he's missing in his marriage. As appreciative as he sounds, many women who are involved with married men come to resent his having the best of both worlds, when she has the least.
5. Can you love someone who is so disrespectful of his wife? The existence of your relationship with a married man tells you how little he respects his wife by lying to her instead of being a man and telling her he wants out.
6. Lose his respect and it's over. Even though he's the one who pursued you. Even though he's the one that made it difficult to say "No." And even though he tells you how wonderful you are. At some level, he's going to have trouble respecting you for settling for such a flawed relationship. Like the Groucho Marx joke, "He may not want to be of a relationship that would have him as a partner."
7. You're not a home wrecker, just an accomplice. Like it or not, you are a willing participant in a man violating his vows and betraying the trust of his wife -- not to mention grossly disappointing his children and making it difficult for them to see him as a role model.
8. You're kidding yourself. Despite his reassuring you how much you mean to him, his not ending his relationship with his wife in an above-board and respectful way -- and not beginning a legitimate relationship with you -- are actions that speak louder than words.
9. Beware the guilt boomerang. Many men (and women) have difficulty accepting full responsibility for their deceitful actions. Human nature finds it easier to blame than to accept shame. If he is caught by his wife or conscience, don't be surprised if he tries to blame you and get you to take the fall.
10. Time is too precious to waste. Ever notice how quickly the years go as you get older? Because it's convenient and comfortable, a relationship with a married man can go on for a long time -- and before you know it, eat up the precious time you might have had in a healthy relationship with a chance of flourishing. When people who have been involved with married men finally move on, they often regret having wasted the time in a dead-end affair.

Refinement

I came across many Bibles as we were cleaning out my dad' s house. The article below fell out of one of them. It was very yellowed and crumpled, but someone obviously thought it was worth saving. So I stopped my packing for a moment and read it. I was very touched by the message and it made me think of how we are so conditioned to believe that life is supposed to be one joyous ride with never a trial. As I finished the article I realized, some of our most important lessons come from the things that cut us to the core.

Of course, it was just a clipping with no reference to the author or paper from which it was taken. I searched the web to see if I could find me article so that I would have the appropriate references. I have reproduced the article below from the clipping.

The Sermonette-- The Price Of Pure Gold

"... when he had tried me, I shall come forth as gold" (Job 23:10)

No one likes to be tried, tempted, punished, corrected, forced to endure hardship or obliged to struggle very hard mentally or physical in order to survive. We all prefer the easy life, shielded from pain, suffering, hardship and effort of all kinds.

Refining processes leading to perfection are severe. Fire, high temperatures, strong acids, beating, rolling and mixing in various combinations and degrees are necessary in the refining of metals.

But when the crude ores are subjected to the necessary degree of heat the proper acids, sufficient rolling and beating and finally mixed with various alloys-a highly refined and desirable product is the result.

Job perceived that something similar was necessary to transform human personality in the rough, to a degree of refinement and development that might be compared to gold. Metallic ores are not attractive. They are dirty, heavy, crumbly and of little value until after they have undergone the long, complicated process of refinement until, finally, the pure gold or the stainless steel emerges from the unattractive mass. Job developed the insight to see that we all begin life as crude ore and require the fire, the heat, the acid, the beating and the rolling one encounters in life in order that we might eventually "come forth as gold."

Unless one habitually uses his muscles to the point of becoming tired and uncomfortable, he will not develop great strength. Unless he repeats the same movements over and over and learns to endure endless boredom, he will not develop desirable manual and technical skills. It is hard work to think. Most of us avoid it as far as possible. Nevertheless, if we do not think and think hard and continually and to the point of great discomfort, we will not develop much capacity for thinking.

We do not like to undergo hardships but there is no other way to develop strength. We are annoyed when we have to solve problems and bear responsibility but self-reliance and capacity can be attained no other way. We do not like to withstand temptation; it is much easier to yield. But character and integrity are the fruits that ripen slowly on the tree of steadfast self-control.

We are no stronger than the temptations we have overcome; no more self-reliant than the problems we have solved and difficulties we have surmounted. Our skills and never exceed the effort we have put forth to acquire them. Our insights are not greater than efforts we have made to gain them and the imagination we have developed by the steady and continual use of our mind. Our spiritual development is measured by the amount of time we spend reading the scriptures, studying devotional literature and worshiping God.

As gold emerges from the fire and acid, so excellence of character emerges when one refuses to be crushed by the temptations, storms and hardships of life, but seizes, and even welcomes them as the necessary processes through which he must pass in order to bring forth the best there is in him.

One man falls when temptation confronts him while another resists and strengthens his character. One man gives up when accident, illness or misfortune assails, but another mobilizes his determination, his mental and physical resources and, with great effort and persistence, overcomes the obstacle.

We do not like such experiences but we would be pusillanimous weaklings without them.

To fulfill a reasonable portion of one's potential, one must strive mightily, just as one must exert himself in patient toil to gain the summit of a mountain.

Then, welcomed each rebuff
That turns earth smoothness rough
Each sting that bids nor sit nor stand but go!
Be our joys three-parts pain!
Strive, and hold cheap the strain;
Learn, nor account the pang; dare,
Never grudge the throe!

Robert Browning-Rabbi Ben Ezra Stanza 6