Divorce - An Act of Violence

Last Sunday, as part of his sermon, my Pastor referred to divorce as an act of violence.  And it can be – emotionally violent.  The level of hostility coming from my STBX has diminished over the years only due to reduced contact between us.  If marriage requires maturity and forgiveness, divorce requires a double portion of both maturity and forgiveness.  Too often divorce is a way to win a fight, rather than to peaceably part ways.  The sad truth is there is no fight to win.

In a previous post, I affirmed that despite my STBX’s belligerence and the divorce mongering of certain people that there would be no divorce war here.  I have held my ground on that.  I have tried to stay focused on only the transactional aspect of this proceeding.  Yet, he still wishes me dead, continues the name-calling and refuses to comply with the court-defined process.

It seems he still thinks that someone needs to be right and someone (me) needs to be WRONG.  After 6 years, my feeling is who cares – it changes nothing and therefore does not matter.  The division on our assets and debts is a simple transactional matter.

I could CHOOSE to carry feelings of resentment, betrayal and disappointment, but those are the creations of my STBX’s baggage.  I CHOOSE not to be a porter for them.  I CHOOSE not to contribute to the emotional violence that can be part of a divorce proceeding.  I CHOOSE to be happy and at peace with life as it unfolds.

It has been 6+ years and things will FINALLY be resolved.  The court dismissed my spouse’s petition because California has a law saying it must be cancelled if it has not been resolved in 5 years.  I immediately went downstairs after the hearing and refiled.  This is a good thing because the petitioner controls the process.  Moreover, as a competent adult, I am certain that this will be wrapped up in short order.

One of the most important lessons I have learned in this season is PATIENCE.  I have learned to sit and wait for God's timing.  The world will create false urgencies at it's whims.  I could have found myself tossed about with priorities and causation changing weekly.  Instead, I have developed a habit of waiting, taking the time to consider the consquences, consider the urgency to act and the cost/benfit of waiting. 

My life has not been frantic or chaotic and for that I am grateful.  I have not lived with angst and longing.  I have, fortunately, lived with a curiosity and earnest interest in seeing how this story will unfold based on the choices of obedience and willful disregard.  Good yields good, and the other always returns ashes.

I can wait for the good outcome.

A Brand New Day

This was one of those mornings where I realize why I really love morning.  It is because no matter what happened yesterday, it is over and done. Today is a brand-new day.  A brand new day full of opportunities to do things new, better, right, whatever.  What a great opportunity!  I have been training myself to wake up with words of praise on my mind.  I have my alarms set to Alvin Slaughter, Mandisa and Israel Houghton (yes I need 3 alarms or so to get myself fully awake and ready for the day LOL!).  On this glorious new morning I am sitting at my desk looking at sunshine, listening to Charles Stanley’s daily radio message and feeling totally psyched as I prepare my task list for the day.

Today --I believe I see the light at the end of the tunnel and feel assured that it is not an oncoming train.  Yesterday, I appeared in court in pro per for the first time.  I was a little anxious but continuing to pay for representation on a case that was not moving simply not only made no sense it would have been outright foolish.  So I prepared myself and showed up to prevent the injustice that a bifurcation would have rendered in my life.  The motion was dismissed.  Thank you Jesus!  Perhaps now we can move forward with real resolution.

The level of animosity emanating from my long estranged spouse has still not dissipated to something that allows successful resolution of our divorce.  I have no answers as to why, but I am at truly peace that it is not my concern.  Last night I realized that the appearance had left me emotionally exhausted and feeling ganged up on by my spouse, his mistress (she was present in court) and his attorney.  For some reason, the only solution they seem to be able to comprehend is one in which I make all the sacrifices or sustain the majority of the economic loss.  And that somehow ‘beating me’= winning.  I continue to say this is not a fight and there are no winners.  It is a business transaction about debts and assets.  Nothing more - especially after 6 years.

I don’t fault attorneys - they seemed to be geared mostly to ‘fight’and 'win'.  I prefer mediation which is more focused on problem-solving without leaving either party feeling beaten or brutalized.  It is a much healthier option.  I am hopeful that after yesterday we will be able to return to mediation and finally wrap this up.