Prayer for an Amicable Divorce

Dear God,

Eight years ago you joined us in love and commitment

Today we stand before you having failed to live a married life of love and service to you and each other

Unable to jointly see any way back to fulfilling the pledges we made to you and each other

We now seek your forgiveness and mercy as we tear asunder what you joined together

Our disobedience is painful, our hearts are broken, our minds in turmoil

Calm our hearts and clear our thoughts when the destructive forces make us behave hatefully toward each – grant us a spirit of Christian reconciliation so that we can move forward in our actions in a way that recognizes your power to heal and bring peace.

I wrote this almost 2 years ago....while I was still living in the house with my husband. At the time I knew we were in crisis, but I was unaware of the magnitude of the destructive choices and forces that were impacting my life and my marriage. I wrote this prayer because his whole thing was "let's have an amicable divorce." Yet there was belligerence and hostility from both sides. My hostility mostly from a sense of betrayal and disappointment. His from.......I have my own ideas but I'll let him say if and when he is able to articulate the reasons for his hostility and anger. Two years later, I am calmer and healthier, still not divorced but clearly standing in my own values which gives me a certain amount of peace and contentment. I assume that he is also standing in his own values - at some point he will follow through on his desire to end our marriage.I am still waiting for amicable and fair. I hope to see my spouse's plans completed with my values intact and uncompromised.

Ps 27:14
Wait on the Lord : be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.KJV

It's Not Trivial

Most of the time when I write for my blog, I am in a very positive space and feeling at peace and optimistic. That is not always the case – this season has turned my life upside down – sometimes the hurt and injustice give me a different voice (BTW- both voices are valid and real).. On occasion, I post to a divorce recovery group – and the following was my response to someone else who has been traumatized by infidelity and divorce:

 

Ok....this may be a little bit of a rant but my feelings on this subject are pretty raw. And I think as a society we need to reach a tipping point where infidelity is not so casually accepted. And it is accepted or at least tolerated. Maybe a more honest view of the impact of infidelity will go a long way toward reducing the divorce rate and
strengthening marriage.

There is a difference between stagnating bitterness (which is what we want to avoid) and minimizing the destruction that came into our lives because of not only our spouse's selfishness but because they found someone equally selfish to complete their act of betrayal. I think ... in all of our christian goodness we seek to be forgiving of the adulterers who created painful situations in our life. Be nice, don't be angry - I say feel what you feel. (You don't have to act on it, but if you need to feel angry feel angry). No voodoo dolls and such but acknowledging that your life plan was altered without your consent - that's just truth. I also think there is a difference between a foolish one night stand (ok - even a few weeks) and building what you expect to be
a lasting relationship with someone who is unavailable (if the person is married - they are unavailable).

And it is certainly wise to say don't focus on 'them'. However, I think there needs to be some REAL acknowledgment that the cheating spouse and their companion committed a serious violation. This is not to say - that the people we speak of should be punished but certainly the call is for some 'movement' (stigma) to be associated so that an effective deterrent exists. The destruction wrought by their "friendship" "love" "lust" or whatever they choose to call it is real and the impact goes beyond - it is not trivial. You cannot pretend it did not happen or that it was not a significant
contribution to the demise of your marriage.

Friend, I understand how you feel. I think it is offensive for them to pretend that the life they share now was not borne out of betrayal and deceit. I could at least respect someone who says "Yes my husband and I are better people now, but once upon a time... " In my case, the skank misunderstood our current marital crisis as an indication that our marriage was over and it was therefore "not wrong" to be my husband's close friend (mistress).  Of course, on some level she knew she was wrong - hence she kept their relationship secret from EVERYONE, not one of her close friends knew how frequently or too what extent she was in contact with my husband.

I told my spouse recently - that he made the mistake of getting involved with a woman who wanted my life - and in getting involved with her I guess he was trying to give my life to her. Unfortunately, for both of them - my life was not his to give (at least not for free). It is my life past and present. I am doing good things with my present and
expect to be financially compensated for my past (and stolen future - retirement funds, vacation weeks, etc). They are free to have whatever life they can build together but it will not be built on my back.

My hope that stories like ours are shared honestly with young people - so they have the option of making better choices. I was always told married men/women were off limits - at this point I know that tidbit of information was not passed on to everyone. Ed Young also has a really good series on this topic.

A Happy Heart & A Contented Soul

I am a woman with a happy heart and a contented soul. I wake each day and my first coherent thought is "dear Lord. Thank you for your mercies. I am happy, healthy and whole." Things are not resolved; in fact, they are still pretty volatile. Finances are increasingly strained and our obligations weigh heavily on us. We like most married couples have what have what I call "dual income debt."-this means that 2 incomes and a single household are required to effectively service the debt. What stress! Still faith and hardwork will prevail.

It is not inconceivable to me that my spouse believes he married the wrong woman. Perhaps he did, but given how our relationship came to be... I'm certain that's not true. Of course, that’s my opinion as the woman he met at the altar and has been with for over a decade. I find the kind of duplicity that would allow for all of that to be a lie - extremely frightening. Without a third-party, who knows or can ever know how the crisis in our marriage would have unfolded. Maybe it wouldn't have worked, maybe we would have grown together and resolved the issues that plagued us. Who will ever really know?

One of my angels (a woman showed up in my life as if on appointment from God) told me that you can withstand any thing as long as you stand in your own values. This helps me filter out all the chatter from others about what I should do about the status of my marriage.

Nothing has changed there is still an energy draining anguish that dominates my day when I try to force my husband to proceed with our divorce. On days when I am focused on what is important to me - spending time with people I love, helping clients who appreciate me and taking care of my own physical and mental well-being -my energy feels right. It is the one foot in front of the other in the direction of my goal. I work hard at the activities that will get me where I want to go.

When I pray, I don't pray for a specific outcome. I pray for a willingness to be obedient and to accept with thanksgiving the outcome. As I close my eyes at the end of each day-I thank God for the opportunities, lessons and successes of that day.