Faithfulness

The other day, someone commented to me that they respected the faithfulness I had to my husband in this season of estrangement and conflict.  And I thought with a chuckle, "That's what you think I'm being faithful to?" It's actually much simpler than that - I simply being faithful and respectful to MY own values, he has far less to do with my choices.  It has to do with how I see myself as a person more than what I expect from my husband in the future.

It must be a hard concept for some - the idea that until you are faithful to yourself you can be faithful to no one else.  That also implies that you have the maturity to know what you value and have enough self-control to practice the standard of conduct that is consistent with your values. 

I respect my values and the beliefs that they are founded upon.  Therefore, acting in accordance with them, although some times challenging, is the goal.   It is about living an authentic and truthful life.  If you have values that you are not comfortable espousing or living something is out of whack - your beliefs or behavior.  The work of life involves bringing those things into harmonious alignment.

And the Wife Said….”Seek God, Seek Counseling, Find a hobby that you enjoy.”

I haven't written for this blog in quite some time, I have been fairly busy.  Life has been unfolding in miraculous and fabulous ways.  I have had so many blessings in this season I cannot count them.  So while it may seem that the ongoing drama of marital strife should have colored my days with nothing but sadness and pain, God gave to me an opportunity to grow closer to him and more free time to be of service to others.

It sounds crazy to say that it has been very near 6 years since this madness started.  Yet in August 2011, it will be 6 years since I moved out of the home that I shared with my husband.  And still we are not divorced nor are we successfully separated and moving toward divorce or reconciliation.

For my part, I determined long ago that my priority was honoring my own values and protecting my financial interests.  I have sought legal remedy with great expense and little success.  At some point I concluded, that dragging a man through a divorce was no more likely than dragging one to the altar.  So I turned my energy and interest to living the best life that I could make for myself and allowing God to have his way in my marriage and my husband's life.

And I guess that's where I pick up this blog.  I recall my response to my husband when he informed me that he was unhappy.  Of course, I asked the standard question ‘What is making you unhappy?”  I had a sincere desire to know.  Because clearly, if there were things in my behavior that were making our home contentious and unproductive I was willing to confront them directly and make appropriate corrections since my objective was a happy and peaceful home.  It turns out it was not my cooking, my housekeeping, my attitude and availability for sex, personal hygiene, my financial habits nor work ethic.  His response was more general malaise.  It's very difficult to solve a nonspecific problem so my response was simple I said "Seek God, Seek counseling, find a hobby that you enjoy."   

In 6 years, that's 2160 days, we have not been able to find a way of successfully resolving these circumstances.  But my most interesting observation of late is to note that over the years my husband rationale for ending our marriage has gone from “I'm just not happy” to:

•  I ended our marriage because I couldn't stand to be married to you Debra because you're horrible (translation à it’s your fault I could not honor MY vows)

• I can't divorce you because Debra your horrible and crazy (translation  there is something wrong with you because you will not agree to let ME screw you over financially – lol)

• I'm going to ignore you and pretend the situation doesn't exist because Debra you're horrible (translation –- I am still having a good time with my mistress and she doesn’t care that I am still married, so I don’t have to clean up my mess)

I almost have to chuckle at the revisionist rationalization of it all.  And my response today is the same as it was 6 years ago “Seek God, Seek counseling, find a hobby that you enjoy.”

Now of course in the 6 years my estranged spouse has had his cheerleaders and fans that from their own self-interests have supported and encouraged his behavior.  These range from the mistress (holding on to be next) to friends simply entertained by the drama of it all.  These consorts knowingly or unintentionally have indulged and supported him in leaving his marital circumstances unresolved.  

The mistress seems oblivious or unwilling to recognize that what keeps him from completing his divorce is her consistent availability.  Yep she’s been around 6 years or longer – talk about determination and dedication to a cause (but that’s another blog).  If my estranged spouse had to establish his romantic market value (RMV) as a truly single man to have female companionship it is likely that he would have completed our divorce.  Instead of helping a man to stand and take care of real business, the mistress' invitation to “Come lay up in my love hangover” helps him avoid resolution.  She’s her own worst enemy.  It reminds me of the kind of mom who let you go outside to play while your room is still dirty while she ignores your mess and responsibility for cleaning it up.  It also reminds me of the difference between WOMEN and mere females.

And my response today is the same as it was 6 years ago ‘Seek God, Seek counseling, find a hobby that you enjoy”.  And of course, clean up your mess.

It is time to get really 'REAL'

I haven't published much to my blog lately. The drama factor is old. Today I am just sharing to articles that I came across separately that I thought should have been published together. The destruction of families has produced such ills and destruction in our society. Anyway, so as to not start on my dissertation, here are the 2 articles:

This was a very interesting article. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/25/AR2009122501440.html

I think this article should be handed to every person before they even consider in engaging with a married or separated person. It's called "Keep a Tiger Out of YOUR Tank'

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-goulston-md/just-listen----keep-a-tig_b_402102.html

(and for those who don't want to follow the link - the condensed version:
10 Reasons Not to Date a Married Man
a.k.a He'll NEVER stay that into you
There are no positive reasons for dating a married man. Even the good reasons don't stand the test of time and turn out to be bad ideas in good ideas' clothing. If you find yourself on the brink of temptation, look at these 10 truths before you leap:
1. He won't commit to a future with you. A man who is in a very unhappy or unsatisfying marriage can feel swept away by how wonderful you make him feel. He may even blurt out, "I've never felt this way before and I can see spending the rest of my life with you." This may sound like a commitment to a future with you. It's not. Don't confuse his loving the way you make him feel with his loving you and making a commitment to you.
2. Cheating on his wife tells you how he deals with any situation he doesn't like. You are evidence of his avoiding dealing with unpleasant situations head on. This means that he's likely to resort to some devious behavior with you if the two of you encounter relationship problems.
3. Hiding is exhausting. Having to keep your relationship a secret can attack your self-esteem and cause you to miss out on one of the wonderful aspects of a relationship. Walking together freely and radiantly through the world can fill you with the glow of being with someone who is proud to be with you.
4. He's got his cake and is eating it, too. He has a legitimate married relationship that helps his public persona and he has an illegitimate one with you to make up for what he's missing in his marriage. As appreciative as he sounds, many women who are involved with married men come to resent his having the best of both worlds, when she has the least.
5. Can you love someone who is so disrespectful of his wife? The existence of your relationship with a married man tells you how little he respects his wife by lying to her instead of being a man and telling her he wants out.
6. Lose his respect and it's over. Even though he's the one who pursued you. Even though he's the one that made it difficult to say "No." And even though he tells you how wonderful you are. At some level, he's going to have trouble respecting you for settling for such a flawed relationship. Like the Groucho Marx joke, "He may not want to be of a relationship that would have him as a partner."
7. You're not a home wrecker, just an accomplice. Like it or not, you are a willing participant in a man violating his vows and betraying the trust of his wife -- not to mention grossly disappointing his children and making it difficult for them to see him as a role model.
8. You're kidding yourself. Despite his reassuring you how much you mean to him, his not ending his relationship with his wife in an above-board and respectful way -- and not beginning a legitimate relationship with you -- are actions that speak louder than words.
9. Beware the guilt boomerang. Many men (and women) have difficulty accepting full responsibility for their deceitful actions. Human nature finds it easier to blame than to accept shame. If he is caught by his wife or conscience, don't be surprised if he tries to blame you and get you to take the fall.
10. Time is too precious to waste. Ever notice how quickly the years go as you get older? Because it's convenient and comfortable, a relationship with a married man can go on for a long time -- and before you know it, eat up the precious time you might have had in a healthy relationship with a chance of flourishing. When people who have been involved with married men finally move on, they often regret having wasted the time in a dead-end affair.