It's time to take the sex appeal out of adultery.

It's time to take the sex appeal out of adultery.  Referring to adultery as a ‘love triangle’ allows it to be excused/romanticized as the unfortunate fate of star-crossed lovers.  The reality is that love seldom if ever has anything to do with it.  

They say a picture is worth 1000 words, so rather than continue trying to find words that are not tinged with my feelings about my experience with the subject, here's the picture: 

Faithfulness

The other day, someone commented to me that they respected the faithfulness I had to my husband in this season of estrangement and conflict.  And I thought with a chuckle, "That's what you think I'm being faithful to?" It's actually much simpler than that - I simply being faithful and respectful to MY own values, he has far less to do with my choices.  It has to do with how I see myself as a person more than what I expect from my husband in the future.

It must be a hard concept for some - the idea that until you are faithful to yourself you can be faithful to no one else.  That also implies that you have the maturity to know what you value and have enough self-control to practice the standard of conduct that is consistent with your values. 

I respect my values and the beliefs that they are founded upon.  Therefore, acting in accordance with them, although some times challenging, is the goal.   It is about living an authentic and truthful life.  If you have values that you are not comfortable espousing or living something is out of whack - your beliefs or behavior.  The work of life involves bringing those things into harmonious alignment.

And the Wife Said….”Seek God, Seek Counseling, Find a hobby that you enjoy.”

I haven't written for this blog in quite some time, I have been fairly busy.  Life has been unfolding in miraculous and fabulous ways.  I have had so many blessings in this season I cannot count them.  So while it may seem that the ongoing drama of marital strife should have colored my days with nothing but sadness and pain, God gave to me an opportunity to grow closer to him and more free time to be of service to others.

It sounds crazy to say that it has been very near 6 years since this madness started.  Yet in August 2011, it will be 6 years since I moved out of the home that I shared with my husband.  And still we are not divorced nor are we successfully separated and moving toward divorce or reconciliation.

For my part, I determined long ago that my priority was honoring my own values and protecting my financial interests.  I have sought legal remedy with great expense and little success.  At some point I concluded, that dragging a man through a divorce was no more likely than dragging one to the altar.  So I turned my energy and interest to living the best life that I could make for myself and allowing God to have his way in my marriage and my husband's life.

And I guess that's where I pick up this blog.  I recall my response to my husband when he informed me that he was unhappy.  Of course, I asked the standard question ‘What is making you unhappy?”  I had a sincere desire to know.  Because clearly, if there were things in my behavior that were making our home contentious and unproductive I was willing to confront them directly and make appropriate corrections since my objective was a happy and peaceful home.  It turns out it was not my cooking, my housekeeping, my attitude and availability for sex, personal hygiene, my financial habits nor work ethic.  His response was more general malaise.  It's very difficult to solve a nonspecific problem so my response was simple I said "Seek God, Seek counseling, find a hobby that you enjoy."   

In 6 years, that's 2160 days, we have not been able to find a way of successfully resolving these circumstances.  But my most interesting observation of late is to note that over the years my husband rationale for ending our marriage has gone from “I'm just not happy” to:

•  I ended our marriage because I couldn't stand to be married to you Debra because you're horrible (translation à it’s your fault I could not honor MY vows)

• I can't divorce you because Debra your horrible and crazy (translation  there is something wrong with you because you will not agree to let ME screw you over financially – lol)

• I'm going to ignore you and pretend the situation doesn't exist because Debra you're horrible (translation –- I am still having a good time with my mistress and she doesn’t care that I am still married, so I don’t have to clean up my mess)

I almost have to chuckle at the revisionist rationalization of it all.  And my response today is the same as it was 6 years ago “Seek God, Seek counseling, find a hobby that you enjoy.”

Now of course in the 6 years my estranged spouse has had his cheerleaders and fans that from their own self-interests have supported and encouraged his behavior.  These range from the mistress (holding on to be next) to friends simply entertained by the drama of it all.  These consorts knowingly or unintentionally have indulged and supported him in leaving his marital circumstances unresolved.  

The mistress seems oblivious or unwilling to recognize that what keeps him from completing his divorce is her consistent availability.  Yep she’s been around 6 years or longer – talk about determination and dedication to a cause (but that’s another blog).  If my estranged spouse had to establish his romantic market value (RMV) as a truly single man to have female companionship it is likely that he would have completed our divorce.  Instead of helping a man to stand and take care of real business, the mistress' invitation to “Come lay up in my love hangover” helps him avoid resolution.  She’s her own worst enemy.  It reminds me of the kind of mom who let you go outside to play while your room is still dirty while she ignores your mess and responsibility for cleaning it up.  It also reminds me of the difference between WOMEN and mere females.

And my response today is the same as it was 6 years ago ‘Seek God, Seek counseling, find a hobby that you enjoy”.  And of course, clean up your mess.