I Will Walk By Faith

Gratitude stabilizes my life and helps me keep my perspective clear.  I am as usual so grateful for all the things that are right in my life and patient for things that require redress.  And as usual God unfailingly gives me confirmation of the order of my steps.  A few weeks ago, as I was accepting that some things are still out of my hands, every time I got in my car no matter the time of day the first song on when I clicked on my radio was “I Will Walk By Faith” by Jeremy Camp.  The lyrics remind me that I have chosen to walk in faith –  the lyrics:


Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day


[chorus]
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me 


Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith


This song helped me remember that I have committed to allow certain circumstances to unfold as God will author them.  And that whatever attempt I make, whatever participation I choose to resolve these circumstances must continue to be based on my own values.  I must continue to not be driven by the chatter and confusion of others who should not be involved in these particulars circumstances.


Time is proving to be a revealer of truth.  The pettiness and jealousy behind the actions of others is undeniable.  Which simply provides an opportunity for me to know how to LIFT (Live in Forgiveness and Truth).  I am hopeful that in the face of truth resolution will come peacefully and timely.  This has taken what seems like a long time, and had I been sitting still it would probably ‘feel’ like an even longer time.  At every step God has made it possible for me to grow and keep moving.  I am grateful.

Whose Divorce is it ANYWAY?

This blog has been niggling at the edge of my mind since the beginning of the month.  On Dec 7^th we had the hearing for my estranged husband’s 2^nd bifurcation motion.  He was a no show (again) so it was an expensive non-event.  The motion was denied without prejudice.

The next day I received a copy of my attorney’s letter to my spouse’s attorney.  Standard follow up to the previous day’s proceedings, however, the last line left me feeling unsettled in my soul.  The last sentence read “….so we may try to move the case forward.”

Pretty innocuous, right?  However, the reference to the ‘case’ reminded me of how the humanity of the spouses is eliminated from the process.  It’s just a ‘case’ where both attorneys seeking to win (even completely trounce) the opposition.  Gladiators at battle in the conference and court room.  And when it is over – they move on to the next case with scarcely a look back at the collateral damage –the collateral damage being the lives of the spouses living in the aftermath.  It also made me very aware that my spouse and I are simply reduced to litigants with short-term relevance to our attorneys.  Their own lives unchanged by the signing of our decree.  Even more odd, the attorneys are positioned by their role in the divorce to ‘judge’ your marriage and the other spouse – someone they do not know and in many cases have never met other than under these circumstances.  Supporting the dehumanization of the spouses.

I am also struck by the idea that the court or attorneys are tasked to “Move it along”….if 

the spouses are stuck and not moving forward and it is neither a legal or tactical problem….what’s the point of the attorneys moving it along?  They do not in most cases have the needed skillset to help the stuck spouses move of their own accord.  I give credit to the mediators we started out with – they recognized that neither of us were emotionally ready or committed to completing the divorce – so after 2 sessions THEY dropped us as clients.  Their team included a lawyer and an MFT.  The goal was to facilitate an amicable and fair dissolution of our marriage.  Divorce does not settle a fight – it facilitates permanent avoidance and launches another fight.

Now I have been very clear with my attorney that his role is advisor, and that he is no way authorized to pursue or encourage an adversarial relationship with my estranged spouse or my spouse’s attorney.  I am sure I frustrate him a bit, but I am committed to no one but my estranged spouse and I making the decisions about the dissolution of our marriage.  Because at the end of the day – the only people living with the life-long effect of the divorce are the spouses and their children. 

If you know me you know that I am perfectly capable of speaking up and standing up for myself.  I engaged an attorney because I am not a subject matter expert on family law.  But not for one minute did I or do I plan to abdicate my responsibility for working through this in the manner that is healthiest and financially sane for me.  I will not get caught up by all the chatter or false fight energy that seems to spring up and out once the word divorce is uttered.

It's Still The Wrong Question....

I spoke to someone today who said "you have to accept that he wants a divorce."  I paused to straighten my face because after 6 years of hearing that (and mostly not from him by now) accompanied by absolutely nothing realistic happening toward a divorce - all I can do is laugh and shake my head.  And what does this person think I have done or could do to prevent it?  If he WANTED one - he would have gotten one.  

My dad used to say 'People in hell WANT ice water' - ridiculous - they want it but are without the wherewithal to get it because of the circumstances they chose for themselves. 
And at the end of the day - it's never been about me or our marriage.  It wasn't then and it isn't now.

It becomes clearer and clearer to me at least that there is much external at work to make this happen.  Very unfortunate and pretty ungodly. With all the waiting that external parties have invested in - it seems someone should have asked -"what do you want from or with me?"  And after all this time that question has been answered - whether it was asked or not - the response is clearly 'nothing more than what we have now.'

The question should not be about the divorce of a married couple. Instead of asking why the couple is not divorced and continue to support dissension, discord and estrangement - the question should have ALWAYS been about the desired, hoped for, planned expected future that the onlookers and external parties were 'hoping' and waiting on.  Clarity, commitment or real vision for the future will propel you forward no matter what else is transpiring.  Without that sort of motivation you can very easily slip into simply maintaining the status quo.  

So the question is "What do you want your future to look like?"  That was the approach I took and it has allowed me to move forward so that when all things are resolved I AM already where I want to be or at least on the road to it.