Written
12-6-2007
This been a very interesting topic. I understand how Ejimofor could view the group this way. Our focus is usually on helping each other understand and come to terms with the pain, grief and harsh realities of the marital crises and divorces we are living through. And it does come across clearly that for many the objective is to move on and at some point find a new spouse or partner to share our lives with... learning to love and trust again. (Not necessarily finding them on this site, but finding a replacement for our current or recent spouse at some point.)
It's interesting yesterday, Dr. Phil had a young couple on his show, who had managed to make a complete mockery of their marriage. Lots of infidelity and verbal abuse, all the result of immaturity and unsurrendered hearts. Dr. Phil listened to this couple and stated "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior". He encouraged this couple to forego reconciliation until the husband had made some real effort to come to terms with his issues and behaviors. Dr. Phil did not hold out much hope that this man would ever be able to grow and change into a successful and effective husband. Interestingly, the other guest on the panel was Bishop TD Jakes. And at the end of this show he said something that I don't think we discuss much in this group. He made clear that he has a deep belief in the redemptive power of submitting your life to God. He thought the husband was a hard case and would have a long road to travel but he still said, “All things are possible with God”.
I know in my case, I came to accept that without my husband's reconciliation to God there can be no reconciliation in our marriage. Will this happen? Who knows?
So the question becomes, how do you not encourage divorce in your own marriage and allow God to work in not only your life but your spouse 's life as well? The pain and disappointment that can come from someone's unrepentant heart can be so overwhelming.
As I thought about this I've made some decisions. I have always said that I will not divorce my husband. He is free to divorce me and I will comply with his initiatives. In the meantime, I have taken residence/space away from him so that I can be healthy. I have built a life for myself that makes me happy. The only thing I'm not doing at this time that a divorce would allow is “dating”. There is still some stress and financial burden from the current status of our marriage, but I'm going to learn to live with that for the time being. There is no real rush.
I have also concluded that if my spouse's mistress would like him to be free to be married to her they can pay for it and bear the inconvenience of it. (It'll be their first adult project, because dating and sneaking around is kids play). I am not going to inconvenience myself or create additional financial hardship (excess attorney fees, etc..) to relieve my husband of his responsibility for completing the divorce he requested. Believe me, this is a hard position to hold. On almost a daily basis. I get encouragement from some to just let him go, take leadership and finish the divorce blah, blah, blah The truth is I am not holding him - he can release himself at any time by taking responsibility for completing our divorce. (Of course, there are older, married women who regularly tell me "Do not divorce your husband. Allow him to divorce you, if he will. But you do nothing except wait on the Lord").
Now reconciliation is a whole 'nother matter and not a subject that I have to give any consideration to at this time. I am sure that in the end, if reconciliation is the way that our marriage story is authored by God, He will give me the heart, mind and will to forgive and trust my spouse again. If my husband follows through and actually completes our divorce, I am also certain that God will give me the heart, mind and will to move through my life. - Happy, Whole and Complete (with or without a new spouse).
I know that the circumstances for each of us in this group are unique and intensely personal. All I can say is that maybe there is something worth thinking about in Ejimofor's message. Maybe it's about trusting that God has a plan and that things will be worked out in His time. Maybe it's asking " Are we waiting patiently for God to work on our marriage or are we trying to help God by proceeding with a divorce?" (Forgetting that God does not need our help.) Are we cheating ourselves and our spouses out an opportunity for spiritual growth? You can’t go back, but who knows what forward looks like? And who knows how long it should take?
Maybe our society has made such a mess of marriage that the degree of hardship and pain that a couple must endure to make it to "death to do us part" is more than any of us ever anticipated. Life has no guarantees. Maybe it's time to start a new movement to save marriage and live it as God designed. All I can say is I trust that we continue to pray and allow God to let things unfold in our lives.
Being part of this group has been such a blessing in my life. When I hear other people's story, all I wish is that God’s grace will sustain you and give you peace.
This been a very interesting topic. I understand how Ejimofor could view the group this way. Our focus is usually on helping each other understand and come to terms with the pain, grief and harsh realities of the marital crises and divorces we are living through. And it does come across clearly that for many the objective is to move on and at some point find a new spouse or partner to share our lives with... learning to love and trust again. (Not necessarily finding them on this site, but finding a replacement for our current or recent spouse at some point.)
It's interesting yesterday, Dr. Phil had a young couple on his show, who had managed to make a complete mockery of their marriage. Lots of infidelity and verbal abuse, all the result of immaturity and unsurrendered hearts. Dr. Phil listened to this couple and stated "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior". He encouraged this couple to forego reconciliation until the husband had made some real effort to come to terms with his issues and behaviors. Dr. Phil did not hold out much hope that this man would ever be able to grow and change into a successful and effective husband. Interestingly, the other guest on the panel was Bishop TD Jakes. And at the end of this show he said something that I don't think we discuss much in this group. He made clear that he has a deep belief in the redemptive power of submitting your life to God. He thought the husband was a hard case and would have a long road to travel but he still said, “All things are possible with God”.
I know in my case, I came to accept that without my husband's reconciliation to God there can be no reconciliation in our marriage. Will this happen? Who knows?
So the question becomes, how do you not encourage divorce in your own marriage and allow God to work in not only your life but your spouse 's life as well? The pain and disappointment that can come from someone's unrepentant heart can be so overwhelming.
As I thought about this I've made some decisions. I have always said that I will not divorce my husband. He is free to divorce me and I will comply with his initiatives. In the meantime, I have taken residence/space away from him so that I can be healthy. I have built a life for myself that makes me happy. The only thing I'm not doing at this time that a divorce would allow is “dating”. There is still some stress and financial burden from the current status of our marriage, but I'm going to learn to live with that for the time being. There is no real rush.
I have also concluded that if my spouse's mistress would like him to be free to be married to her they can pay for it and bear the inconvenience of it. (It'll be their first adult project, because dating and sneaking around is kids play). I am not going to inconvenience myself or create additional financial hardship (excess attorney fees, etc..) to relieve my husband of his responsibility for completing the divorce he requested. Believe me, this is a hard position to hold. On almost a daily basis. I get encouragement from some to just let him go, take leadership and finish the divorce blah, blah, blah The truth is I am not holding him - he can release himself at any time by taking responsibility for completing our divorce. (Of course, there are older, married women who regularly tell me "Do not divorce your husband. Allow him to divorce you, if he will. But you do nothing except wait on the Lord").
Now reconciliation is a whole 'nother matter and not a subject that I have to give any consideration to at this time. I am sure that in the end, if reconciliation is the way that our marriage story is authored by God, He will give me the heart, mind and will to forgive and trust my spouse again. If my husband follows through and actually completes our divorce, I am also certain that God will give me the heart, mind and will to move through my life. - Happy, Whole and Complete (with or without a new spouse).
I know that the circumstances for each of us in this group are unique and intensely personal. All I can say is that maybe there is something worth thinking about in Ejimofor's message. Maybe it's about trusting that God has a plan and that things will be worked out in His time. Maybe it's asking " Are we waiting patiently for God to work on our marriage or are we trying to help God by proceeding with a divorce?" (Forgetting that God does not need our help.) Are we cheating ourselves and our spouses out an opportunity for spiritual growth? You can’t go back, but who knows what forward looks like? And who knows how long it should take?
Maybe our society has made such a mess of marriage that the degree of hardship and pain that a couple must endure to make it to "death to do us part" is more than any of us ever anticipated. Life has no guarantees. Maybe it's time to start a new movement to save marriage and live it as God designed. All I can say is I trust that we continue to pray and allow God to let things unfold in our lives.
Being part of this group has been such a blessing in my life. When I hear other people's story, all I wish is that God’s grace will sustain you and give you peace.
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